I have been involved with church members and their spouses, both men and women, who were perpetrators of domestic violence. I recall one incident in which my family and I were threatened physically by an abuser for intervening on behalf of his wife. The threat was serious enough that the local police department patrolled the vicinity of our home for a time. In another incident I was threatened with a lawsuit in a situation where, allegedly, a Christian wife took a baseball bat to her new Christian husband. It is often difficult to know precisely what happens behind closed doors, and how much of this kind of thing actually happens in Christian homes, but I believe the problem is significant enough to merit our attention. Even one case of domestic violence is too many in my view, especially when it happens in a home where Christians live.

It’s in the newspapers. It’s on TV. It’s the topic of talk shows. It’s probably the policeman’s most frustrating call. It’s one of the church’s least mentioned subjects. Until now I had not addressed it directly either.

I refer to the hot potato topic of domestic violence.

I subscribe to a little Newsletter called The Mac: A Newsletter to Aid the Minister as Counselor.(1) Its author, Dr. Bob Whiddon, is a preacher who presently lives and works in Portland, Oregon. I'm heavily indebted to him for a good portion of the material in this sermon. Dr. Whiddon wrote candidly in the November, 1995 issue of his experience with domestic violence as a Police Chaplain:

"In the Fall of 1986 I began training to become a chaplain and a victim advocate for the Adams County Sheriff’s Department in the suburban area of Denver. Part of the training involved the recognition and care of victims of domestic violence. Little did I know that in the four or five years to follow, 90% of all the calls I would go out on would be in regards to domestic violence. It was such an epidemic, Colorado passed a law making it possible for the officer to press charges against an abuser if the evidence warranted. They knew the battered wife oftentimes refuses to sign a complaint against the man who ‘provides’ for her."

Whiddon continues: "There were two things that opened my eyes during my time as a sheriff’s chaplain. First, every single domestic violence call I went out on was alcohol related. Second, domestic violence was an active part of a few of the families in my congregation – yes, alcohol related.

"It is my personal observation and assumption," Dr. Whiddon concludes, "that for every 100 members in a congregation there is possibly one woman who is suffering violence from her husband."(2)

It is my intent to address this difficult topic this morning.

Please understand that when I say "domestic violence," I’m referring to physical acts of aggression between spouses, usually the man against the woman, though that isn't always the case. Some would include so-called "mental abuse" in their definition of domestic violence. While I’m not saying that verbal and mental abuse aren’t serious problems, I think if we accept them into our definition, we lose the ability to identify the subject. For instance, how many "bad things" need to be said before the muster for domestic violence is met? One cross word? Two? A dozen? The answer gets lost in ambiguity. For the purpose of this message, I speak of physical abuse - Someone injuring someone else physically, or perhaps brandishing a weapon so as to threaten bodily harm.

Here are some facts about Domestic Violence:(3)

These statistics primarily implicate men as the abusers. There is also data that indicates some domestic violence comes from women toward their husbands and children, though I suspect it is at a far lesser frequency.

In the course of my ministry I have been involved with church members and their spouses, both men and women, who were perpetrators of domestic violence. I recall one incident in which my family and I were threatened physically by an abuser for intervening on behalf of his wife. The threat was serious enough that the local police department patrolled the vicinity of our home for a time. In another incident I was threatened with a lawsuit in a situation where, allegedly, a Christian wife took a baseball bat to her new Christian husband. It is often difficult to know precisely what happens behind closed doors, and how much of this kind of thing actually happens in Christian homes, but I believe the problem is significant enough to merit our attention. Even one case of domestic violence is too many in my view, especially when it happens in a home where Christians live.

Those who study characteristics of abuse in the home describe a cycle of domestic violence.

Take a look at the graphic in your handout notes. The diagram depicts an ongoing cycle of abuse common to many reoccurring cases of domestic violence. In such situations, tension builds, severe violence occurs, the abuser apologizes, makes up, etc., and the situation subsides for a time until issues cause tension to build once again, which starts the cycle over. Those who study these issues say there are three things to fear about this cycle. (1) It seldom ends as long as the relationship is intact. (2) It doesn’t get better by itself. (3) It nearly always escalates with each act of violence being bolder than the previous one. A woman in a situation like this can expect that, if she has been beaten before, the next time it occurs will be worse.(4)

Let's briefly look at each of these stages more closely in a case where the husband is the abuser.

During this time the batterer is frustrated and increasingly irritable. Jealousy increases, as does the desire to control every move his wife makes. If this takes place over days, he may try to isolate her from friends, relatives and the church. Tension escalates. The victim tries to anticipate the moods of the husband and tries to stay out of his way. Some victims have admitted that as this phase increases and violence is eminent they have actually provoked the husband to violence just to get it over with.

Here the tension or frustration comes to a peak and breaks out. Much of the time an outside event, unrelated to the victim's behavior, precipitates the violent act. The violence can include screaming, breaking furniture, punching walls, breaking the victims personal belongings, violence to pets, shoving grabbing, punching, kicking, use of weapons, and even murder. Surprisingly, if the police are called, the victim often sides with the attacker. This is why a domestic violence call may be the most dangerous kind of call for police officers. Not only can the abuser be violent, but the woman also can turn violent to protect her husband from the police. When domestic violence is at this stage the best thing to do if you're not actually involved is to call the police.

At this time the abuser has settled down since taking it out on the victim has appeased his anger. He realizes what he has done. There are many apologies, promises that "I will never do this again." The abuser is extremely afraid of abandonment. He courts the victim with flowers, gifts, and sweet words. The victim desperately wants to believe him. She also is terrified of being alone. They reaffirm their love, she forgives, and all is forgotten as they live "happily ever after." Except that it happens again and then again.

Those of us who are not victims of domestic violence sometimes look at this information with surprise and perhaps a degree of disbelief. We wonder why a man won't just stop hurting his wife. We wonder why the woman doesn't somehow get away from the situation. Here are four reasons why. The first two pertain to the abuser, the last two pertain to the victim.

1. The abuser is caught in a web of sin. He isn't sick.(5) Christians, even more than others, should understand this. Such a person has learned this sinful and abnormal way of handling relationships and emotions and now it controls him. It is a part of what he is. In many cases he himself comes from an abusive home but this isn't always the case. It usually takes drastic measures for him to see and get over his violent behavior.

2. The abuser is a criminal. He violates God's word and he violates criminal law. He is not a victim (even though a case might be made that he learned this behavior as a child). He is criminal. He deserves punishment from God and from the state. It may be true that only the fear of such punishment will persuade him to get the help needed to overcome his problem.

3. The victim is also caught in behavioral habit patterns. In a sense she too has learned, or been forced to learn, a submissive behavior that is neither biblical nor lawful. She often needs assistance to help her out of the cycle of violence, too. If she cannot see this need for herself, most certainly she should see it for the sake of her children.

4. The victim is not to blame for the violence. She is not responsible. It is not her fault. No matter what she may have done or thought she has done, there is no justification for physical abuse. None. This point needs to be repeated to her often. There is no justification for physical abuse.

I recall a number of years ago, my wife said in a conversation on this subject that she would never tolerate a husband hitting her. On that score she and I get along just fine. I grew up in a home where a woman was to be treated with the utmost respect and dignity. I will always open a door for a woman if I'm in the vicinity and I will always let her go first. If we're on the Titanic, she gets on the lifeboat first. This is not a patronizing attitude. It is an attitude of respect that was drilled in me from my earliest recollection. As far as I'm concerned, any man who would take advantage of any woman so as to use his larger physical strength to strike her is lower on the food chain than a worm. Such men are bottom feeders, dwellers in darkness, who need to be confronted in the harshest context of the law.

Many Christians and Christian leaders are ignorant of this sin. Oh, they know about it, but they haven't spent much time contemplating it. They have no idea what to do about it.

Let's look at some scripture to be sure that we have our own attitudes and practices straight in this matter.

The first passage I want to look at is Ephesians 5:25-29:

Note in this passage that the husband is to take care of his wife just as he does his own body: "no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it..." "So," he says, "husbands ought also to love their wives as their own bodies." He's referring here to the natural instinct of self-preservation. It's natural for any man who is hungry to get himself food. It's natural for him, when he's sleepy, to go to bed. It follows that any man would also naturally care for himself by avoiding placing himself into a violent situation. This way of treating himself is how he is supposed to treat his wife. Domestic violence, the physical abuse of a wife by her husband, is both unnatural and a violation of how God says a husband is to treat his wife. There is no excuse for it. If it is going on, no matter how much the wife might blame herself, it is the husband's fault.

Now let's look at Matthew 7:12.

This verse, called "The Golden Rule," is a command. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It is the summation of the law and the prophets, Jesus said. Any man who feels it is in any way right for him to beat his wife or threaten her with violence is admitting that he himself desires to be beaten. If there is any man present here who has such a view, meet me after church. I have a baseball bat and three men to help me. We'll see if you are willing to walk what you talk.

"But my wife is to submit herself to me," someone might say. "Doesn't the Bible say that?"

In fact, the Bible does say that. But the command to submit is given to the wife, not to the husband. Her submission is her business, not his. Nowhere does the Bible say a husband is to force his wife submit to him. Submission is voluntary - something she does because of her commitment to Christ.

"But doesn't the Bible say that she belongs to me and to no other man? So I can do with her whatever I please. It's none of your business!"

The Bible also says you belong to her and that each party is to voluntarily submit to the needs of the other. 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, "the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

If the husband has the right to beat his wife whenever he decides, the wife has the right to take out a gun (or other "equalizer") and abuse her husband whenever she decides! Of course, such reasoning is ridiculous, as is this whole line of reasoning that somehow a husband can do with his wife whatever he pleases.

To the abuser, I say this: If I or any other person finds out you practice such abuse, the right thing for us to do is turn you over to the law. If you somehow escape our notice and the notice of others, rest assured, one day very soon you'll answer to your Creator who will punish you beyond any punishment you have ever administered to the members of your family! Domestic violence is wrong. Those who perpetrate it, no matter what excuse they might imagine, are guilty before God and are criminals of the state.

Young ladies especially need to hear the things I am saying in this message. While you might think that you know more than your parents do about "real life," the truth is that they have been around longer than you have and have seen some things that you haven't seen yet. If you are in a relationship with someone, you must realize that your ability to discern certain things may be somewhat hampered. That's why God gave you parents. Listen to them!

If parents suspect something might be amiss between a daughter and her boyfriend, they should talk to her. In fact, perhaps they should talk to her whether they suspect anything or not. Here are some questions to ask:

While such questions might encounter some resistance even from a compliant daughter, it is better to ask them now than to see her involved with an abuser later.

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 6:14, "Do not be bound together with unbelievers..."

The church here has taken a very steady and open position on this. We consider it more than a mere suggestion. This stand hasn't always been appreciated. We've seen some parents leave because we brought Paul's command to their attention and they thought their situations regarding their children were none of our business. All I can say to that is that we will continue to take this stand, as we will continue to take a stand on the rest of what the Bible says, whether it is popular or not. (Of course, your support in these matters is deeply appreciated.)

Does the principle of Christians marrying only other Christians solve the problem? Not entirely. You know and I know that there are impostors among us that are like decoys. They look like ducks, but they're made of wood and they don't have real feathers, so Paul's command is only a first line of defense. A serious minded young lady (or young man) needs to take some time and exercise some discernment in picking a mate. She needs to make sure this person is really what he claims to be.

"But that's hard!"

You're absolutely right, but living in an abusive situation is a lot harder.

This point may get me into trouble with some who hear or read this message, but I believe it needs to be said anyway.

Since often the police have to get involved in order to stop a domestic violence situation, a great number of public and private assistance agencies have arisen, often funded by county and state governments. While I believe we can applaud some of these efforts to help in dire situations, we as Christians also need to be very cautious.

My experience has shown me that people who have no concern for religious motivation staff some of these agencies. They sometimes express disdain for anything pertaining to Christianity, often even blaming a woman's faith in God for the problem. Not surprisingly, they may try to talk her out of her faith during a time when she is distraught and vulnerable. Just as radical feminism has taken up prominent positions in the abortion industry in the guise of "women's health," so too it has a strong place in the various domestic violence help organizations. The Christian must beware. Vulnerable women fleeing violent mates are often fed radical feminist doctrine by "counselors" who not only hate domestic violence, they hate all men. As I heard one radio commentator say one time, "You don't solve the problem of some men being male chauvinist pigs by becoming female chauvinist pigs!"

Does this mean we shouldn't use these agencies? That isn't what I'm saying. What it means is that we need to be very careful, and in some cases we may need to offer other solutions.

I haven't time for a lengthy discourse here. Suffice it to say that there are only two situations mentioned in the New Testament that allow a Christian to divorce: sexual unfaithfulness(6) and desertion by an unbelieving mate.(7)

If that makes you angry or you think I'm being unreasonable, don't focus your antagonism on me. You take it up with God because He is the one who sets the standard.

What then can an abused woman do? Initially, she may need to remove herself and her children to a safe place. If her husband is a Christian she should also turn to the church. The man must be confronted. If he will not change, the church should move quickly to excommunicate him.(8) At that point I believe she can withdraw herself and her children from her home (if she hasn't done so already) to a safe place and demand that her husband get help. She should probably call in the police. If he refuses to show consistent evidence of change, she will probably have to stay in the safe place, maybe for a long time. If he divorces her under those circumstances, she is free before God. Otherwise, she is to remain married in the hope of ultimate reconciliation.(9)

In the evening service we have a discussion session scheduled. If I have raised questions that you wish to ask about, I invite you to be there.

There is no justification for domestic violence. The one who perpetrates it is a sinner and a lawbreaker that should be brought to justice. It is my hope that will happen right away, in this life. If not, most certainly it will happen in the next. The abuser needs to be aware of what it says in Hebrews 10:31:

Footnotes: Use your "back" button to return to your place.

1. http://www.methird.com/index.htm
2. Bob Whiddon, THE MAC, A Newsletter to aid the Minister As Counselor, Nov. 1995, Vol. 1, Number 8
3. Ibid.
4. Again, I am indebted to Dr. Whiddon's description of the "Cycle of Domestic violence."
5. It was on this point that I differed with Dr. Whiddon - at least in terminology, though from reading the rest of his writing, we might not differ much in practice. I prefer to reserve the word "sick" for those who are physically ill with a disease traceable to an identifiable pathogen. Someone who is "sick" is not responsible for his illness. (If you have a cold or the flu, how can you be culpable for it?) The domestic abuser, though strongly controlled by behavioral patterns sometimes learned in childhood, nevertheless needs to be made responsible for his or her actions. - D.R. See also Proverbs 5:21-23.
6. Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9
7. 1 Corinthians 7:15
8. Matthew 18:15-17
9. 1 Corinthians 7:11

Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.

Copyright © 1996-2008 by The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.

All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.

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