The Christmas season is, for many of us, a joyous time of family togetherness and sharing gifts. But for many others, it is the loneliest time of the year. The suicide rate always increases at this time of year. The consumption of alcohol increases. I think we need to recognize that, though some of us can really get into the tradition of the season, there are others who, at best, must fake the fa-la-la.
Introduction
"Her voice was weak and fearful as she spoke to me over the phone. It was almost midnight and she kept apologizing...but she was so lonely and wanted someone to listen. I never got her name or her address or enough hints about her location to follow up on our conversation. Her desperate story broke my heart. I actually wept after she said, "Good-bye - thanks for listening."
The words I am reading to you are those of a minister describing a phone call he received just a few weeks before Christmas.
"My anonymous friend wasn't wanted by her mother and dad when she was born. They placed her in a foster home and walked out of her life, leaving no clues of their whereabouts and no promise of their return. She went from home to home longing for the day when they would come back and want her and love her and accept her. They never did. Years passed. She became a teenage rebel - she lashed out at the world and then at herself by attempting suicide. Misery stalked her steps as she waited in vain for the return of her parents. Their absence became unbearable.
"Suddenly she decided she would go and find them. She did! Through an incredible chain of events and so-called coincidence, she walked back into their lives one evening... but soon discovered she still wasn't wanted
"Her parents allowed her to stay for a while, but the relationship was forced and awkward. One morning they told her they had plans to start a new life. They were going to adopt a baby boy - and ‘start all over.’ Deep within her heart she longed to be included in this new beginning...but she was hesitant to push herself on them.
"Reluctantly, she squeezed out the words: ‘I don't want to be in your way - perhaps it would be better if I were not around. Maybe I'd better leave.’
"To which her dad replied, ‘Okay, I'll help you pack.’ He hurriedly stuffed a few clothes into a backpack, rolled up a sleeping bag, attached it to the pack, then folded a $10.00 bill and put it in her pocket. He then shook her hand, smiled, and waved goodbye.
"Since that dark moment in her life, she's lived in the hills, walked the streets, slept in alleys, eaten out of garbage cans, and hunted unsuccessfully for work. Wanting neither pity nor a handout, she hung up the phone because she was cold in that phone booth and needed to find shelter before the police picked her up. I shall never forget her voice.
"If hers were the only story," writes this minister, "it would be tragic enough, but similar situations can be multiplied by the hundreds... Chances are very good, in fact, that there are those in your Church fellowship who feel unwanted, forgotten, unloved, (and unlovely!) - and are more lonely than words can express."(1)
Loneliness is a terrible thing, but it is nothing new. Centuries before the tragedy of this woman’s rejection, the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 102:1-7:
1 Hear my prayer, O LORD! And let my cry for help come to Thee.
2 Do not hide Thy face from me in the day of my distress; incline Thine ear to me; in the day when I call answer me quickly.
3 For my days have been consumed in smoke, and my bones have been scorched like a hearth.
4 My heart has been smitten like grass and has withered away, indeed, I forget to eat my bread.
5 Because of the loudness of my groaning My bones cling to my flesh.
6 I resemble a pelican of the wilderness; I have become like an owl of the waste places.
7 I lie awake, I have become like a lonely bird on a housetop.This Psalm was probably written toward the end of Israel’s captivity and its writer expresses for himself and his nation the loneliness and bitter despair of their plight. "I resemble a pelican of the wilderness; I have become like an owl of the waste places. I lie awake, I have become like a lonely bird on a housetop."
Though it is frequently hard for translators to figure out exactly what animals the Biblical writers referred to, we have three pictures of solitude that you can’t miss in these verses. The Pelican is a sea bird. What is it doing in the desert? It doesn’t belong there. That’s the point. It feels out of place, like the woman in the preacher’s story. It finds no place to set itself down, no place to call home. The owl is a solitary creature, so shy it only comes out at night, when no one else is around. It is another picture of a lonely existence. The bird mentioned here is, perhaps a sparrow or chickadee, normally a sociable creature, one that has been left behind in the normal migration. It is completely alone. It sits atop the house letting out only an occasional and forlorn "Cheep! Cheep!" Can you sense the alienation and isolation the author felt?
Someone has written,
Loneliness is like a piano without keys, Like a violin without strings.
Like a sanctuary without a congregation or a choir where no one sings.
Loneliness is like a blade of grass Growing through a crack of cement.
Loneliness is like a campground without a single tent.
Loneliness is like a mocking bird that cannot sing a song.
Loneliness is a feeling that one does not belong.
Like a pansy in a cornfield hidden where no one can see.
I know all there is to know about loneliness Because it lives inside of me.
(Copied)The Christmas season is, for many of us, a joyous time of family togetherness and sharing gifts. But for many others, it is the loneliest time of the year. The suicide rate always increases at this time of year. The consumption of alcohol increases. I think we need to recognize that, though some of us can really get into the tradition of the season, there are others who, at best, must fake the fa-la-la.
Who gets lonely this time of year?
Widows. Singles. Orphans. Students away from home. People in hospitals and rest homes. The aged. Those on difficult assignments in far-flung places, like missionaries and soldiers. All those without someone special close by to care about them.
We need to understand that God has a special place in His heart for lonely people. Since we are the people of God, so should we. We read in Psalm 68:5-6:
A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, is God in His holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity, only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.
As we move through this holiday season, let me say a few things about this issue of loneliness.
I. We Often Take Our Companions for Granted.
Dear Ann Landers:
"Please come home early." This was the most unreasonable request ever made by my wife of almost 40 years. She didn't make this request often. It came mostly on Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays, but it seemed that I always had so many things to do that in spite of her gentle urging, I rarely came home early. I don't want to give the impression that I was never at home. I was at home a lot. We rarely did anything out of the ordinary. We enjoyed the kids and the grandchildren. We listened to music, read the paper, and had meals together. Sometimes we would just talk about how the day had gone. Now I know why she asked me so often to "Please come home early." She wasn't just lonely, she was lonely for me. When she passed away a short time ago, I learned firsthand what loneliness is all about. I have a supportive family and many good friends. I'm free now to go places and do things, but I'm lonesome - lonesome for her. Now that she's gone, I've found the time to "come home early," but there is nobody to come home to. There is nobody to do those simple little things with, such as watching the evening news, listening to music, and reading the paper. And nobody cares how my day went. If I should get a call from the good Lord to "Please come home early," I won't fight it. -- Lonesome in K.C.
We do often take our companions for granted, don’t we?
I was driving home from the hospital in Eugene last year, listening to a talk show. It was a call-in program with a local lady psychologist as host. A man called in. At first he sounded gruff and even a bit arrogant. In a condescending tone, he challenged the lady to solve his problem! It was all a ruse, however. Soon, his hurt began to surface. All through the many years of his marriage he had taken his wife for granted. Then, one day, she left him. At the time of his call he had unsuccessfully begged her to return on four separate occasions. She steadfastly refused. Now what should he do? He spoke as though there were some magic this lady psychologist could work that would be just the right formula to get his wife back.
Her response was painful for him to face, I’m sure, but what she told him was true: "Some people are lonely because they build walls and not bridges."
If you’re a wall builder, you need to knock it off and start building bridges! If not, you could end up a lonely person, marooned on a friendless, deserted fortress of your own making.
Another writer put it well: "To love others makes us happy; to love ourselves makes us lonely."
Of course, not all loneliness is the result of our neglect. Probably the majority of it isn’t, so let’s move on.
II. Lonliness Is More Than Being Alone.
Sometimes those of us who are surrounded by friends and admirers lose touch with the plight of the lonely. "Why I’d just love to be alone once in awhile," we think. "That guy who seems so lonely ought to count his blessings!" Our lives are so busy and full of activities that we long to be alone for just a bit. But solitude is not the same thing as loneliness.
You may recall that Jesus sought solitude from the reaching and grabbing of the multitudes from time to time. Luke 4:42 says, "And when day came, He departed and went to a lonely place; and the multitudes were searching for Him, and came to Him, and tried to keep Him from going away from them."
Oh, for a little solitude, away from demanding people! Oh, for a chance to recharge the batteries!
But this is different than loneliness. Reader’s Digest quoted Josh Billings as saying, "Solitude is a great place to visit, but a poor place to stay."
Most of us need times of solitude where we can meditate on our lives and commune with God. But this is different than loneliness.
Loneliness is that feeling that no one knows or even cares. If you were to suddenly disappear, there would be no search party because no one would care enough to mount one.
I say this to be sure that those of us who find ourselves in need of solitude don’t deal condescendingly with those who are in a far lonelier spot.
III. No One is Free From the Potential of Lonliness.
It would be a mistake for any of us to assume that because things are a certain way today, they’ll always be that way. The chances are nearly certain that they won’t be.
James the Lord’s brother wrote: "Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow, we shall go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.’
Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow." (James 4:13)
It would also be a mistake for us to think that, because we are Christians, we’ll never be lonely - or that, if we are lonely, there must be something wrong with our faith. If you think that way, why don’t you tell it to Job and listen as he tells you what it is like to loose all of your children in a tragic accident, and to be abandoned by your three closest friends and cursed by even your wife. Tell it to Joseph in Potiphar’s prison, hundreds of miles from his relatives and his home. Tell it to the teenager Daniel, who unpacked his bags that first night in the court of a foreign king. His parents and family were probably dead. Tell it to Paul as his pen poured out the words to his distant friend Timothy: "All who are in Asia turned away from me." Tell it to the lonely exile, John, in the salt mines of Patmos. Tell it to Jesus who cried out in bitter loneliness: "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"
No one is free from the potential of loneliness.
IV. God Recognizes and Cares About Our Lonliness.
In some of the earliest words of the Scripture, God spoke on the subject of loneliness. Before sin ever came into the experience of man, God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18)
The words of an earlier passage I read to you declare that God cares about our loneliness and identifies in a special way with the lonely. Psalm 68:6 says, "God makes a home for the lonely."
Perhaps, and this is mere speculation on my part (I certainly do not want to detract from God’s total sufficiency in Himself), but perhaps this whole thing of God dealing with man is because He wants companionship with those who truly love Him. Companionship is the antidote for loneliness.
Most certainly He recognizes the emotion of loneliness. Jesus, Whom the Bible says was "tempted at all points just as we are," was no stranger to it. He knew it firsthand.
Am I speaking to someone here this morning who is especially lonely during this season? I want you to know that God knows and He cares! "How?" you ask. Let me tell you...
V. God Ministers to the Lonely Through His Church.
Look back with me at Psalm 68:6. Those words "God makes a home for the lonely..." are translated in the NIV, "God sets the lonely in families..." What a beautiful picture of the way God deals with us!
The Church is God’s family today and setting people in it is God’s way of dealing with lonely people.
Do you remember those words of Jesus recorded in Matthew 25:35-36?
35 'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;
36 naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.'Can you pick out the lonely people in those verses? Why would you invite a stranger in? Isn’t it because such a person is alone and doesn’t have any companions? Why would you visit someone in prison? Is it not because prison is a lonely place where a person is forgotten? It’s more than just food and shelter, isn’t it?
So, whose job is it to do what those verses say? The preacher? The elders? The deacons? The YMCA? The United Way? The State Welfare department?
According to these verses, it is those to whom the Master will say, "Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world."
Who will inherit that kingdom? The church! God’s people! So it’s our job to reach out to the lonely.
It starts right here, as we look around among us. There are lonely people right here this morning. Can you recognize any of them? That widow or widower. That single who just doesn’t fit. That little guy or girl whose parents are divorcing. That divorcee who was deserted by her mate. What can we do to reach out to the lonely among us?
Oh, it's much easier and far less inconvenient to just ignore it, or to just give it lip service.
Ruth M. Walsh chides us a bit with some insightful poetry. She writes:
I was naked, and you questioned my lack of modesty in my appearance.
I was imprisoned, and you debated the legal aspects of interference.
I was penniless, and you discussed tax-deductible donations from your wealth.
I was sick, and you thanked the Lord for the blessings of your health.
I was hungry, and you formed a club to study malnutrition.
I was homeless, and you said God's love was shelter under any condition.
I was lonely, and you left me by myself while you and your friends prayed.
You seem so holy and close to God. Yet I'm still sick and alone and afraid!What can you do to help the lonely within your reach? Surely there is something for someone that God would have you do.
But what can you do if you are one of the lonely ones?
Well hopefully, people will respond to your needs, but you don’t have to sit there and do nothing. Here are some suggestions:
A. Don’t hide from responsibility.
Take charge of your life before loneliness and depression do.
The biggest temptation in loneliness is to give in to it. Like Elijah under the Juniper, to say, "I just want to die and get it over with!" While all of us can understand that response, it solves nothing.
The person who thinks that suicide is an escape is gravely deceived. They need to ask the question, "What comes next?"
B. Don’t hide from people.
I know it is natural to want to shun human companionship, even in the midst of need for it. "If they really cared, they would come to me..." we think. That might be true, but thinking it won’t help. You must get up and you must get out. Involve yourself. Write a letter. Make a call. Celebrate the season. Make your home as cheerful as possible and invite some people over. You have to take the initiative or Satan will.
C. Don’t hide from God.
On the contrary, use the time to draw closer to God and learn to depend upon Him. He isn’t far from you, though you may think He is. Paul told the skeptics on Mars Hill that "God isn’t far from any of us." (Acts 17:27)
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8)
You aren’t powerless against loneliness unless you give up.
Conclusion
The ultimate cure from loneliness awaits us in the future. I’m speaking of heaven. There God will wipe away every sad tear and the painful emotion of loneliness will be banished forever. Until then, we must concern ourselves with those who may be faking the fa-la-la.
A minister in Iowa was to preach for a vacationing preacher one Sunday. He decided to get to church early and become familiar with the order of service. Walking down the hall, he passed the nursery and saw one child there all by himself. He paused a minute and the child said, "Hi, my name is Tommy."
The preacher replied, "My name is Scott."
Tommy said, "I'm all by myself in this big room."
The minister repeated, "So you are all by yourself in this big room?"
"Yes," said Tommy, "and I'm lonesome."
"Well, I'm sure somebody will come shortly and be with you, Tommy."
With this, Tommy pulled up to his full stature, looked the man in the eye and asked, "What about you?"
I too, ask, "What about you?" Do you see any around you who are lonely?
*This message was produced in collaboration with my good friend, Alan Walker. [Back]
1. Charles R. Swindoll, COME BEFORE WINTER, Multnomah Press pg. 86ff. [Back]
Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.
Copyright © 1996-2008 by The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.
All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.
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