There are times, however, when getting beyond the regret of past issues is more difficult and may indeed seem impossible. Perhaps we’ve done or said something that had lasting consequences that haunt us even today – such that no matter how hard we try to forget, the painful memories continue to make us miserable.

The passenger on a dining car looked over the luncheon menu. The list included both a chicken salad sandwich and a chicken sandwich. He decided on the chicken salad sandwich, but absentmindedly wrote chicken sandwich on the order slip. When the waiter brought the chicken sandwich the customer angrily protested. Most waiters would have immediately picked up the order slip and shown the customer that the mistake was his. This waiter didn't do that, however. Instead, expressing regret at the error, he picked up the chicken sandwich, returned to the kitchen, and a moment later placed the chicken salad sandwich in front of the customer. While eating his sandwich the customer picked up the order slip and saw that the mistake was his. When it came time to pay the check the man apologized to the waiter and offered to pay for both sandwiches. The waiter's response was, "No, sir. That's perfectly all right. I'm just happy you've forgiven me for being right."

Have you ever done something stupid like that passenger did? Have you ever said something that you later regretted? Probably most of us have.

Someone has aptly stated, "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

While most of us probably remember times when we’ve said and done things we regretted later, usually we are able to shrug them off and, though we may remember them later when someone brings up a story like the one I just told you, they don’t have much lasting effect on us other than making us more cautious about popping off with our mouths next time before we put our brains in gear.

There are times, however, when getting beyond the regret of past issues is more difficult and may indeed seem impossible. Perhaps we’ve done or said something that had lasting consequences that haunt us even today – such that no matter how hard we try to forget, the painful memories continue to make us miserable.

Regret is a distress of mind over a painful memory of something that happened in the past. It often occurs when the situation remembered is beyond human repair. Guilt and sorrow is often associated with it. Wish as we might, there is absolutely no way we can go back and "undo" what we said or what we did. We are left only with the painful memory.

Perhaps we believe that somehow we failed as parents. Maybe we said and did things that ended a relationship that was more important to us than we realized at the time. Perhaps we sinned to such an extent that we hurt other people and now we have sorrow on top of sorrow – complicated even more because now those we hurt will have nothing to do with us – and we can’t blame them. Each of these situations can make a person miserable, even when there has been repentance from the heart.

"Of all the sad words of tongue or pen," wrote John Greenleaf Whittier, "the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’"

A person with such regrets can spend hours, days, weeks, and even years, rehearsing the guilt of wrongs done, tormenting himself or herself with questions that can only be answered by speculation that falls into the three categories of "shoulda, woulda, coulda…."

"Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret," wrote Benjamin Disraeli nearly 200 years ago.

"Old age a regret?"

Many would probably agree with that, but does it have to be that the longer we live, the more we have to regret? How does one cope with regrets of the past over things done wrong, for which nothing can be done to change them?

If ever there were a man with the potential for an old age of regret, it was the Apostle Paul. You probably remember that in the prime of his youth he was a great persecutor of God’s people. During that bloody era of his life he sought to destroy the church of God - something for which he would express much regret later in his life. Yet do those of us who study the Bible think of Paul as a miserable old man full of regrets and guilt? No, he wasn’t anything of the sort. How did he cope with his regrets of the past? Is there anything we can learn from him that might help us deal with our own painful regrets? I believe there is.

But before I go any further, let me throw in a disclaimer. If you or I have regrets over an event in the past and there is still something we can do about it to change the circumstance, then the right course of action would be for us to do so, as quickly as possible, before the opportunity vanishes. If, for instance, we are estranged from someone we love and are too proud to go and make it right, we need to repent of our pride and go humble ourselves. Regret can sometimes be God’s goad to get us to do what we need to do.

In this message though I refer to regrets over things that cannot be undone.

In 1 Tim 1:12-17, Paul wrote:

Then in Philippians 3:12-14, referring to certain aspects of his past, Paul wrote:

How did this former persecutor and blasphemer and violent aggressor cope with his regrets of the past? These verses contain some very helpful and instructive clues. I’ll go through them very briefly.

"I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor," he says in verse 12 of the first passage. He admits in verse 16 that, among sinners, he was "foremost of all."

Though these were things that had the potential of leaving Paul hanging his head in impotent and sorrowful shame among the Christians of his day, he put them out there anyway.

We gain no ground against regrets of the past by sweeping them under the rug, denying them, or minimizing theme. The beginning of healing comes from what might be considered the very opposite of what ought to be done - full recognition and confession. Any of those whom Paul had hurt, if they were still around when this was written, could read what he said. Many of them probably did and it was important that they did so.

It is important that we confess our wrongs that effect other people openly for several reasons. First, it benefits us, but second and more important, it acknowledges that God’s ways are right and that ours, when our behavior differs, are wrong. Anyone with regrets of the past should go out of his or her way to be sure that others don’t trip over the bad example. This does all that can be done to insure that more regrets of negative effect are not added to those already present. We need to acknowledge our wrongs. Secondly,

It is often impossible to seek the forgiveness of those who have been hurt by our actions of the past. Remember, I’ve already said that if this can be done, we should do it. But sometimes it can’t be done. Perhaps the one we have wronged has passed on. Perhaps though still living, they’ll now have nothing to do with us. Both of these circumstances were probably present in Paul’s case. How did he cope? The answer to that is quite evident. He went right to the source of all mercy and peace. He went to his Creator. And what did he find there? In verse 16 of the first passage he says, "I found mercy…." In verse 14 he said, "the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus."

There is no better place to bring your painful regrets than to your Creator. He alone fully understands and when He pardons, you are fully pardoned.

"But how could God possibly forgive me for what I have done?"

If God will forgive the one who, in our first text, referred to himself as "the foremost of all" sinners, he will forgive you.

Some precious words from the Bible are these, found in Hebrews 4:15-16:

If you have serious and painful regrets for things in your past, take them to the only source of full pardon! Take them to the One whom Paul described in 2 Corinthians 1:3 as, "the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort…."

Of course, if you do not know your Creator, then your quest for relief must start by learning about Him and making your peace with Him. We can help you with that if you’ll let us know of your need.

Paul fully acknowledged his wrong. He sought and received God’s mercy and grace.

In verse 12 of the first passage, Paul wrote: "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service…."

Notice the connection between Christ’s giving strength to the defeated and regretful Saul of Tarsus so that he would ultimately become Paul the Apostle: "He strengthened me… putting me into service."

One reason that painful regrets make us so miserable is that we sit around and brood about them. Large portions of our days are spent reliving our wrongs and failures. This is energy misspent. It is effort wasted. It only serves to magnify our sense of helplessness.

Of course, anything we dwell upon becomes a much bigger part of our lives, until soon, we are dominated and obsessed with it. The remedy for such destructive brooding is activity. Work! Any such activity is better than none, but activity especially related to the issue of our regret is many times better. Paul had hurt and destroyed the lives of Christians. What better place of service for him than a place where he could do just the opposite! He damaged the kingdom. Now he would help rebuild the kingdom.

Don’t get confused on this issue. This wasn’t some kind of "penance" where Paul worked off the penalty of his sin. No human being can remove the penalty of sin. Only God through Christ can do that. But the place of service in which the Lord placed Paul was such that, every time he felt the twinge of remorse from the past, that negative energy could immediately be channeled into doing the opposite of what he had regretted. I haven’t time to develop this any further. Perhaps I can do so at another time. It’s a powerful principle.

In Philippians 3:13-14 he wrote: "…forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

But how does one just "forget" the painful memories of the past?

It is important to note that Paul’s "forgetting" was not that he erased the memories of the past from his mind. We know that he didn’t do this because of the several times he brings it up in his writings. No, Paul’s forgetting was not some kind of amnesia. While we might wish that we could totally lose the memories that are so painful to us, it isn’t likely that the events can simply be erased.

The word Paul used in this passage for "forget" is not a word that necessarily means to wipe something from your memory bank. Rather, according to Strong’s Greek Dictionary, it means, "to lose out of mind; by implication, to neglect." It is the same word used by Matthew in Matthew 16:5 to describe the fact that the disciples of Jesus "had forgotten to take bread." They didn’t forget about the bread. In fact, when lunch time came around, they would have a noisy reminder of it in their lower abdomen. What Matthew meant was that they had overlooked the need or neglected that important thing.

We "forget" painful things in our past when we neglect their memory, when we cease to keep bringing them up and brooding about them. We get busy with other things so as to minimize the amount of time our mind has to muse on the pain of past memories.

It is sometimes noted that getting involved with helping people with their problems helps us forget our own. This is exactly what Paul was talking about. It’s where that "service" came in that we’ve already discussed.

People with too much contemplative time on their hands are often unhappy people. That’s not to say we don’t need contemplation, but it needs to be disciplined and limited - especially when our thoughts get caught up in some back eddy of memory, causing our thoughts to swirl around and around on some issue about which nothing can be done.

Get busy with the Lord’s work and you’ll find that you neglect your own personal pains to the extent that you may forget what it was that bugged you so much. You won’t forget the event but it is very likely that you will forget the pain.

Paul fully acknowledged his wrong. He sought and received God’s mercy and grace. He accepted Christ’s strengthening through service. He set about to "forget" his past by neglect.

Finally,

In Philippians 1:14 he said, "I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Paul, a man who had plenty of good reasons to become obsessed with the failures of his past, instead became obsessed with the great potential of the things of God. He didn’t just sit back as we sometimes sing and "let Jesus come into his heart." He grabbed Jesus and yanked Him into His heart. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. What I mean is that Paul took all that God offered him and ran with it. He fully embraced the Lord and His cause. He pressed the cause of Christ wherever he went. He wasn’t passive about his faith as many choose to be today. No pusillanimous apostle he!  He was active, to the point of straining toward the goal.

Paul became so obsessed with the new life that he neglected and ultimately forgot the old.

A young boy who had started in the mail room of a large company ultimately rose to be its President. He was asked one day what made his meteoric rise so successful. He said, "I put my soul into it." That’s what Paul did. When you do that there is no room left in your life for self-pity parties.

Are you struggling with painful regrets of the past. God’s word has the answer for you.

Start by acknowledging your wrong. Then seek and receive God’s mercy and grace through Christ. Get involved in His plan for your strengthening, that is, in service to Him. Set about "forgetting" (by neglect) the memory of your past. Then focus on the most noble goal that there is among men - the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.

Copyright © 1996-2008 by The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.

All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.

[Archive]    [Home]   [Comments]   [Search]