How To Stay Married
All Your Life
A Sermon by Dave Redick
Hwy 20 Church of Christ, Sweet Home, OR
On TV and in the movies, Snow White and the Handsome Prince live happily ever after, and they don't age! They are eternally young. The audiences that watch them today see the same youth as those of two generations ago. Your handsome prince is one day going to be an old man, gals. And your Snow White is going to get wrinkles, guys. It is a fact of life.
Introduction
(Read Genesis 2:18-31 And Mark 10:2-12)
Not long ago the newspapers carried a story from India. Two brides and two grooms discovered that a rather serious mistake had been made on their wedding day. The brides had been wearing long veils. They were hardly able to see anything around them. To make matters worse, the simple wedding ceremonies had been rushed. Both ceremonies were over before it was discovered that each bride had been paired with the wrong groom! A ruling by the village elders confirmed that the marriages were binding as performed and that nothing could be done to change the situation. Imagine that--married to the wrong person and nothing you could do about it!
In an age when one of every two marriages ends in divorce, there seem to be a lot of people who feel they married the wrong person, so they're walking out on mates, on children, on extended families, and the stability that marriage brings. They do not realize that a lasting marriage depends as much on certain attitudes as it does on the choice of marriage partners. There are countries in our world where marriages are arranged by parents - yet divorces are virtually non-existent. Obviously more is involved than simply making the right choice (though a wise choice is also important.)
A young newlywed tells of a minor crisis that took place on his honeymoon. His wife was trying to press his pants with an iron they had received as a wedding gift. The iron burned a hole, and part of his new pants went up in smoke. The bride was in tears as she explained to her husband what had happened. "That's OK, sweetheart," he responded. "Let's be thankful that my leg wasn't in them."
Attitude! Pay attention to your attitude in your marriage!
The title of this message is "How To Stay Married All Your Life." I have not yet been married all my life, but Kathi and I have been married for 27 years. We've known each other for 33 years. (She was my high school sweetheart.) I'm beginning to believe we're going to make it. More specific to this message, however, I'm beginning to understand what works from both my own marriage and the observations of others' marriages. I'm seeing that the Scripture has been right all along (though I never really doubted that it was.).
Do you want your marriage to last all your life? Here are some things you should do.
1. Be Aware of and Determined to Cope with Change.
When I have the opportunity to instruct couples planning to be married, one of the things I like to stress is that "for better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony. Most couples with stars in their eyes haven't even thought about the fact that life with this person will change as time moves along. Instead, they often express the idea that they are getting married because they want to "capture the moment." They like the way things are going in their relationship and they want to make it permanent. What they don't realize is that such a thing is impossible. Time and circumstances stand still for no one. Change is the constant rule of the universe. Their relationship will change.
Young people often ask, "How can I know whether I really love this person?" My answer is usually something like this: Picture them in a wheel chair permanently with you doing the pushing. If that happened, would you still be in love? Or picture her overweight or him bald. Would you still be in love?"
Sure, no one wants such things to happen. But a person needs to realize that changes will occur, some of them desirable and some of them not so desirable.
Those who have lasting marriages are people who have determined to be what they should be when change comes. They have determined to cope with whatever comes down the pike to them.
Writer Ogden Nash once quipped that every marriage needs a little incompatibility--as long as the husband has the "income" and the wife remains "pattable." The truth of life is that sometimes income fluctuates and "pattability" wanes. It is what life is made of.
On TV and in the movies, Snow White and the Handsome Prince live happily ever after, and they don't age! They are eternally young. The audiences that watch them today see the same youth as those of two generations ago. Your handsome prince is one day going to be an old man, gals. Your Snow White is going to get wrinkles, guys. These are facts of life.
Why do I mention these seemingly "negative" issues? Because I want you to think about change. Not all of it is good . Yes, good change occurs, too, but we usually don't have problems with that.
If you want to make your marriage last for the rest of your life, let me ask you this: What is your attitude toward change? How will you cope with parenthood, the loss of a job, a wife working outside the home, relocation, the empty nest, responsibilities to aging parents, sickness and maybe disability?
I recently talked to a couple here in the church who told me that they "wanted to grow old together." That is commendable. With that attitude, their marriage stands a great chance of lasting for life.
Not only must we be willing to cope with change, we must also
2. Learn To Accept What Cannot Be Changed.
A young minister was faced with his first wedding ceremony. He sought counsel from an older preacher. The experienced man told the young man everything he needed to do and made one final suggestion: "If you ever forget what you are supposed to say," he advised, "just quote Scripture. It is always appropriate to quote Scripture."
The young man did a great job in conducting the marriage ceremony, until he pronounced the young couple husband and wife. At that point, his mind went blank. He did not know what to say. He remembered the advice of the old preacher to quote Scripture, so he quoted the only verse that came to his mind. It was, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
That's the way it was when many of us married. We didn't fully know what we were doing. The words of the ceremony went by us, we said "I do," not really knowing if we should or even would. As Gary Smalley puts it in one of his books, "Isn't it ironic that a plumber's license requires four years of training, but a marriage license requires nothing but two willing bodies and sometimes a blood test?"
One woman noted at a wedding, "Doesn't the bride look stunning?" Her husband replied, "Yes, and doesn't the groom look stunned!" That's the way it was for most of us when we married. Of course, the "stunning" always wears off. We find ourselves very much alert and awake a few months or years after the ceremony. We may find ourselves regretting our haste.
People whose marriages last not only adjust to the changes that take place in marriage, but also adjust to those things in their spouse that will never change!
I like the old Danish proverb that says, "Before marriage, keep both eyes open. After marriage, shut one!" That's good advice.
One of the major marital problems that presents itself so often occurs when each partner is frustrated because he/she cannot change the other. Oh, it isn't that they haven't tried! But it doesn't work. Pressure tactics, nagging, "withholding due benevolence" as the KJV puts it (withholding sexual relations), in order to force change in the other person nearly always fails. Such pressure tactics usually only solidify resistance to change in one's spouse and give them a good excuse for not changing. Such a one can avoid the conviction of God to change, because, "After all, you'd be this way, too, if you had to live with a nag like I do."
Wise people who want their marriages to last have learned the secret of accepting what they cannot change in their marriages and then burning all the energy they were expending in frustrated manipulation, on improving themselves.
It was the apostle Paul who said, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." Many couples would do well to do some learning about Biblical contentment. If Paul could do it writing from jail, so can we.
Turn the process of changing your mate over to God and get to work on making yourself a better Christian marriage partner. You do control 50% of what happens. God can do what you cannot if you will get out of His way. By the way, I am talking about real acceptance of your situation, not silent resentment and bitterness.
Those who want to see their marriage last all their lives are willing to cope with change and they accept the things that cannot be changed.
Thirdly, if you want to stay married all your life,
3 . Express Affection and Appreciation Toward Your Mate Throughout Your Life.
Watch couples in a restaurant. Can you tell which ones are married and which are courting? It's easy, isn't it? The courting couple is talking, laughing. There is eye contact. The married couple is staring off into space.
Couples determined to make their marriages last work on this. They strive to interject life into their relationships. They are involved in each other's lives. They're friends. I know that is hard for some of you, especially some of you men. You don't communicate well. A few of you women don't either. It's a chore. But since when did something being hard excuse us from doing it?
Of course, these expressions of appreciation and affection can take other forms as well. Several years ago a West German magazine released a study by Dr. Arthur Sazbo which he conducted for a life insurance company. This study found that husbands who kiss their wives every morning live an average of five years longer than husbands who do not . I thought you might like to know that. Furthermore, they are involved in fewer auto accidents, are ill 50 percent less time, and earn 20 to 30 percent more money. (Did I get your attention that time, men?) The study did not indicate what kissing did for their wives. My guess is that it improved their day, too. So, men get busy! We want each of your around a long time.
And men, let me say one more thing since I have you on the line. That sort of appreciation, to your wives, involves a big dose of what the Bible calls "understanding."
I Peter 3:7 says, "You husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel , since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
If your Christian life just isn't going anywhere, then maybe you need to take a look at how you've been treating your wife. This verse says you are to treat her gently (a weaker vessel), with understanding (KJV, "according to knowledge,") and with honor.
I have seen men treat their dogs with more gentleness and understanding than they treat their wives!
"Yeah, but my dog doesn't nag me," I can hear someone say. O.K., I'll grant you that, but again, since when does difficulty in doing God's commandments make us free of the responsibility to obey Him? If you are a Christian, then you will do what God says, no matter what your wife is like. If you are not willing to obey, then don't masquerade as a believer.
The verse says, "live with her in an understanding way." How do you understand a woman? Well, men, it doesn't come naturally, that is for sure.
A famous psychiatrist once said, "After thirty years of studying women, I ask myself what is it they really want?"
Contrary to what some say they believe, women are different than men physically, emotionally, and mentally. One of the biggest mistakes a husband can make is to treat his wife like he would treat another man. She is not a man! She is different. That is why God commands you to strive to understand her. It isn't easy, but husbands, we must do it.
Why am I picking on husbands right now instead of wives? Because we are talking about expressing affection and appreciation, and more often than not, it is the husband who fails in this area. Want your marriage to last? Then get to it! Wives, you should do it, too.
People who want their marriages to work strive to cope with change, accept what cannot be changed and express appreciation and affection.
What else can you do to make your marriage last all your life?
4. Be Committed to a Permanent Relationship.
Our passage in Mark makes marriage sound very permanent, doesn't it? Why is that? Does God just want to restrict us and make us miserable? No. He knows that real love and fulfillment can only exist in conditions where there is trust and commitment for the long term.
Do you know why living together without a marriage license doesn't work? It is because there is no pledge to permanence. The other person can always walk out on a moment's notice and there is nothing to stop him/her. If an attempt is made to stop them, they can just say, "Hey, I never promised I would stay anyway." Consequently, you never really know if you can trust them. You cannot open up your life where there is no trust. So there can be no intimacy - the very thing that marriage is supposed to provide.
Many second marriages, where there have been one or more divorces in the past, also present difficulties in establishing intimacy. Why? Because if you went back on your pledge once, what is there to keep you from doing it again if things get tough? The result? No trust and no intimacy.
Are situations like that hopeless? No. But there is only one thing that will bring hope. It is the fifth and final point in this sermon about how people can make their marriages work.
If you want to stay married all your life,
5. Commit Yourself to God with All Your Heart.
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and made water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father, afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there." That 's pretty good advice. If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there.
You see, real Christian faith makes all the difference in the world in all the areas I have mentioned.
It helps us cope with change, because the applied Word of God gives answers on how to cope. It deals with all of the stages of life from birth to the grave and gives answers and solutions that really fit.
It helps us accept things we cannot change, because the true Christian realizes that, as James put it, this life is "but a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." Even the most miserable marital situation is only for a little while compared to eternity. If you can just keep yourself faithful to God through it, that little time spent in hard times will seem like nothing. Besides, your acceptance of your circumstances and trusting God in them is often what breaks up the log jam and allows real change in you and your mate.
Solid faith in God teaches us to value one another more highly than we value ourselves. A marriage where there is a lack of appreciation and affection is simply a marriage where people are focused on self. They are selfish. They look at marriage, not for what they can give, but for what they can get. What they get they selfishly take for granted. The only thing big enough to deliver anyone from such selfishness is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Finally, solid faith in God through Christ makes marriage permanent. My wife knows I won't leave her because I love her. But she also knows that I love God and that I would never do anything to intentionally damage my relationship with Him. In the security of that permanence, there can be intimacy, the thing we married for in the first place.
Conclusion
The following letter appeared in the Ann Lander's newspaper column a few years ago. It puts flesh on the words I have given you. I'll close the message with it.
"Dear Ann Landers: I'm going to tell you about a love story that I witness every time I go to the nursing home to see my husband who has Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately, I know firsthand how this terrible illness affects family members, but I would like the world to know what love really is. I see a man who, I understand, has spent the last eight years caring for his wife who has Alzheimer's. They have been married more than 50 years. He cooks and feeds her every bite of food she eats. He has bathed her and dressed her every day all these years. They have no other family. She lost a baby at birth and they never had any more children.
"I cannot describe the tenderness and love that man shows for his wife. She is unable to recognize anyone, including him. The only things she shows any interest in are two baby dolls. They are never out of her hands.
"I observed him when I parked my car beside his the other day. He sat in his old pickup truck for a few minutes, then he patted down, what little hair he had, straightened the threadbare collar of his shirt and looked in the mirror for a final check before going in to see his wife. It was as if he were courting her. They have been partners all these years and have seen each other under all kinds of circumstances, yet he carefully groomed himself before he called on his wife, who wouldn't even know him. This is an example of the love and commitment the world needs today."
Indeed, it is!
Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.
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All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.