Life and Death in the Power of the Tongue
Some things are true, yet never intended to be generally revealed. The person who divulges such information is a "talebearer." Some things were just never intended to travel the grapevines.
Introduction
Thomas Edison was once introduced at a dinner party by a toastmaster who praised his prolific succession of inventions. He was especially full of accolades for Edison's newly invented "talking machine." Once the inventor took to the podium, however, he smiled gently to his audience and made a revision to the gracious introduction. "I thank the gentleman for his kind remarks, but I must insist upon a correction," he said. "God invented the talking machine. I only invented the first one that can be shut off!"
Isn't that the truth? According to one statistician, the average person on a normal day uses some 18,000 words, roughly equivalent to a book 54 pages in length. In the course of one year, that same person's words would fill 66 books of 800 pages each.
Of course, that is just the average. Some of us are capable of much more than that. The current record for sustained talking is held officially by Tim Harty of Coon Rapids, Minnesota, who talked 144 hours without stopping! The fastest recorded public speech is that of John F. Kennedy, who, in a message in 1961, spoke in a 327 word-per-minute surge.
We talk a lot--all of us--a lot more than we realize. And even if only a fraction of our words have any impact, that is a lot of power we exercise.
In the Bible, Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:21: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue…"
It isn’t likely that any of us understand the full extent to which that is true, but it is important that we at least try as best we can to understand what it means.
Last Sunday we looked at the positive side of this verse. I spoke to you about some aspects of the "life" that are in the power of what we say. I pointed out the various proverbs having to do with wise counsel, encouragement, and winning souls. In this lesson I want to flip the coin over and consider the bad things that can be brought about by the words we speak -- to use Solomon's statement, the death that is in the power of the tongue.
One such use of the tongue that can have deadly consequences is that of:
1. Deceitful Flattery
What is flattery? Most people probably don’t think of it as a serious issue, having probably "buttered up" at least somebody at some point. Is flattery wrong?
The book of Proverbs says quite a bit about it and none of it is good. For instance, we read in Proverbs 29:5:
"A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps."
The metaphor of "spreading a net" comes from the practice of using nets to capture prey. So flattery in this verse is depicted as someone trying to capture another person. And the net is always spread so that the prey does not see it or suspect it is there. That is why I referred to "deceitful flattery."
Another verse on the subject is Proverbs 26:28:
"A lying tongue hates those it crushes and a flattering tongue works ruin."
Just what is the difference between honest praise and flattery? Is it wrong to say something good about someone else? I certainly don't want you to misunderstand me on this point and stop giving honest praise.
Listen to Webster define the word flattery: "To praise too much, untruly, or insincerely."
Interestingly, the word comes from an old Icelandic word that meant, "to flatten or smooth by the patting of the hand." It was used to describe the smoothing of a bedspread.
If you've ever known someone who could "smooth over" someone's "ruffled feathers," you probably know one who is very good at flattery. Frankly, sometimes such "smoothing over" is resorted to when God would be more pleased if we would "speak the truth in love."
I remember a lady in the church early in my ministry who got offended at the drop of a hat, often over things that should have offended no one (and didn't, in fact, offend anyone else). Usually it had to do with her not getting her way in some issue. I was working with several elders at the time. Whenever this particular lady got offended over some little issue, she would storm out of the church building and make a scene. And out the door would go one of our elders, right behind her, to try to smooth things over and win her back. I don't know exactly what was said by him to her, but she would always come back with a smug, self-righteous attitude as though we were the lucky ones that she would lower herself to return and associate with us.
Frankly, I thought we should have told her the truth - that she was behaving like a spoiled brat (in a loving way, of course).
The flattery didn't help her. She just got worse and worse, each time demanding more of her way. Finally, she left the church altogether in a huff. This time she refused to return. About a year and a half later, in that unreconciled condition, she died of a stroke in her home. I’m not going to judge her condition before God under His grace, but I've often wondered if the flattery she received may have caused her ruin. "A lying tongue hates those it crushes and a flattering tongue works ruin."
We have a lot of slang terms for flattery. We say, "soft soap," "butter up," "soften up," "stroke," "lay it on thick," "string along," "play up to," "lay it on with a trowel." And to that let me say that any word that has that many idioms has to be a very common practice!
The real issue behind flattery, of course, is the element of deceit. Therein lies the difference between it and honest praise. Flattery always has behind it a dishonest motive. The kind of flattery Proverbs talks about is like bait with a hook in it. Let me mention a couple of places that bait can show up.
It can show up in the relationship between the sexes and lead an unsuspecting person into adultery.
Flattery between the sexes is one of the key devices that can lead to what we refer to today as "affairs." Proverbs 7:4-5 says,
"Say to wisdom, 'You are my sister,' and call understanding your intimate friend; that they may keep you from the adulteress, from the foreigner who flatters with her words."
That passage goes on to the end of the chapter to warn of the flattery of a prostitute. Verse 21 says, "With her flattering lips she seduces him." But this kind of flattery isn't the sole property of the streetwalker. Today it is probably more common in the average business office or hospital staff break room than it is on the street corner of some seedy red light district. And it isn't always of a sexual nature at first, either. Quite often it is simply too much praise aimed in a very personal way toward a vulnerable member of the opposite sex.
"I'm really impressed with you. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me (including my husband\wife). You are the strongest, most impressive man I know - I'm really glad you're here with me. I have to tell you that you are the most attractive woman I have ever seen."
Yes, some of those could be innocent. But often, the ploy, the bait, and the potential danger, is there. It is a way to test the waters for a response without getting caught. Unduly praising a member of the opposite sex. It goes on because it looks so innocent on the outside. In its initial phases, it is difficult if not impossible to distinguish it from honest praise. Listen to the words of this flattering woman mentioned in Proverbs 7:
"Therefore, I have come out to meet you, to seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you."
Let's put that in other words: "I've been looking for you all day. All I could think of is the time when I would finally see you. I've had nothing else on my mind the whole time. And now, at last, here you are. Just you and me." Can you men sense the potential for flattery in that, coming from an attractive and apparently available woman? She's making it clear to you that you are the center of her attention. Can you women sense the potential in words like that coming from a confident, self-assured, handsome man of action? Especially if things aren't going well at home? You see, underneath the words is the implication, "I notice you. I see you. I like what I see. I'd like to have you if I could. How would you feel about that?" The question is asked without really asking the question.
What does this have to do with us living today? Simply this: Flattery that takes place between the sexes has a very dangerous potential. Praise involving members of the opposite sex needs to be given carefully and discreetly in measured doses.
Does this mean we should never give a member of the opposite sex a compliment? No. But we need to be careful how we do it. And be careful how often we do it. And be careful with what intensity and gazing into the eyes we do it. We can be sending the wrong message.
Flattery can also show up to lure a humble man or woman into the trap of pride.
Proverbs 27:21 says, "The crucible is for silver and the furnace for gold, and a man is tested by the praise accorded to him."
Our ability (or lack thereof) to handle praise tells a revealing story about our character. Flattery can be a pitfall for the person who leans toward unjustified pride.
Jonathan swift wrote:
'Tis an old maxim in the schools,
That flattery's the food of fools;
Yet now and then your men of wit
Will condescend to take a bit.
So how should we handle praise when it comes our way? Here are a few of suggestions:
1. Compare what others say about you with an honest evaluation of yourself.
You know your weaknesses, if you're honest. Don't forget them.
Somebody has said, "Flattery is to be used like perfume - smell it and enjoy it, but don't swallow it."
I'm not sure that is good advice because the more we smell, the more we are tempted to swallow. Perhaps the best advice comes from Romans 12:3: "I say to every man among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment..."
2. Accept honest praise, thank the one doing it, and then reflect the glory to God, not yourself.
For this I quote Matthew 5:16: "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven."
Honest praise is good. Deceitful flattery is dangerous. Watch out for it. Avoid it in your own speech. It can lead you and others to ruin. And when dealing with members of the opposite sex, be especially careful and discreet.
The second area of bad uses of the tongue I want to mention takes in three words:
2. Slander, Talebearing, and Gossip.
I've lumped the three together because of our restraint of time. The distinctions between them are these:
Slander is a false and malicious report or verbal defamation. If you started spreading words like, "Dave Redick is a drunk," that would be slander. It is false and it would most certainly be malicious.
Solomon didn't pick any bones about it. Proverbs 6:12-15 says, "A worthless person, a wicked man, is one who walks with a false mouth, who winks with his eyes, who signals with his feet, who points with his fingers; who with perversity in his heart devises evil continually, who spreads strife. Therefore, his calamity will come suddenly; instantly he will be broken, and there will be no healing."
Talebearing and gossip are the passing on of a story that has the potential of harming someone. It matters not whether the story is true or false.
Sometimes we think, "Well, I can tell this story as long as it is true." But according to Proverbs, that reasoning is wrong. Proverbs 11:13 says, "He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter."
Some things are true, yet never intended to be generally revealed. The person who divulges such information is a "talebearer." Some things were just never intended to travel the grapevines. So we need to be careful we don't put them there. And perhaps the juicier the story, the less likely it should be repeated. Tight lips, closed teeth, still tongues – these are the best posture when in doubt and they are always the best approach when dealing with information about another that is of a sensitive nature.
Proverbs 17:9 says, "He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends."
An old Scottish writer once wrote some guidelines that are relevant to this issue of slander, talebearing, and gossip. He said:
The longer I live, the more I feel the importance of adhering to the following rules, which I have laid down for myself in relation to such matters:
In the areas of slander, talebearing, and gossip, the tongue can be treacherous. Watch out for it!
The third area of bad uses of the tongue I want to mention briefly is again encompassed in three words:
3. Arguments, Strife, and Angry Words.
Whenever you have two people together, there is the potential for disagreement. And disagreement, unless it is handled rightly, leads to arguments, strife, and angry words. That is true in friendship, in marriage, in the home, at the office, at the mill, and in the church.
Here are a couple of principles that can be deduced from Proverbs.
A. When anger is not handled properly, but rather, is allowed to "churn" and "boil," strife will always be the result.
Proverbs 30:33 says, "For the churning of milk produces butter, and wringing the nose brings forth blood; So the churning of anger produces strife."
Just as surely as punching me in the nose would bring forth blood, so, when someone is angry and allows it to churn around inside himself instead of resolving it, it will bring forth strife. Others will become involved.
How do church problems get started? Just that way. Anger goes unresolved until it spreads and people choose sides for and against the claimed injustice. Escalation of the resultant strife can be seen in another of the Proverbs: "The beginning of strife is like the letting out of water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out."
Solomon probably had in mind here the wall of a cistern or reservoir. If a little hole develops, it is not difficult to patch it up. But if it is ignored, it gets bigger and becomes a crack and then a breach. Soon, it is impossible to keep the restrained water from crashing forth. The dam breaks.
The message for us is to stay on guard for those little rifts and quarrels. When they appear they should be resolved as soon as possible so that the "dam" can be kept in good condition.
Another thing that Proverbs tells us regarding arguments, strife, and angry words is
B. Contention can be pacified by one who is slow to anger.
Proverbs 15:18 says, "A hot tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention."
Let me couple this with another verse from Proverbs: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he who rules his spirit than he who captures a city." (Proverbs 16:32).
Are you slow to anger? Do you have a "long fuse?" Then you are a greater hero than the great generals of our time. And not just that, but you have a gift that should be used to fill the role of "peacemaker" in the church.
The tools of the peacemaker are words. (And that is what we are talking about regarding the tongue, isn't it?) Words like:
"Let's sit down and talk about this...
"Let's aim at the problems and not the people..."
"Let's get this thing solved in a godly manner..."
Your coaching and your words under control at the right moment can save spiritual lives.
Listen to another proverb about dealing with someone who is angry:
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)
The next time you see a potential conflict, set your mind ahead of time to respond with gentle answers. That means you're not going to shoot back when shot at. It's the "turn the other cheek" idea Jesus spoke of. Many more problems can be solved if tempers are kept refrigerated.
We're out of time.
Conclusion
One of Aesop's fables tells of four bulls that were the best of friends. They went everywhere together. They ate together in the pasture, they rested in the shade together, always keeping so close that if any danger occurred they could all face it united. It was a great arrangement.
There was a lion that was determined to have the bulls to eat, but he could never catch any of them alone and together they were too strong for him to overcome. But he continued to watch for his opportunity until one day one of them lagged behind the others. Rather than attacking at that point for an easy meal, the cunning lion chose rather to use the opportunity to try for them all. As the other bulls grazed, he slipped quietly up to the lone bull and whispered that the other bulls had been saying unkind things about him. The lone bull thanked the lion for the information. Then, the next time another bull lagged behind, the gossiping lion did the same thing - he whispered some slander about the others. Finally, when there was no trust left in any of them, they went off by themselves, their friendship totally broken. One by one, the lion killed them and made a meal of all four.
Are we smarter than bulls? Not always. And it can show up in what we say.
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." That is what the Bible says. And often there is more destructive power in the words we say than in a direct physical attack. We need to remember that.
Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.
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All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.
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