David:The Shepherd King, #21
Absalom: Part 1
2 Samuel 3:1-5; 13:1-39
By Dave Redick
Hwy 20 Church of Christ, Sweet Home, OR

Yes, God would forgive David for the sin with Bathsheba, but that did not erase the scars of disillusionment that were in the young man, Absalom. To him his father was a man who did not practice what he preached - an example not worth following. So he didn't.

Introduction

Probably most of you have at some point witnessed open tensions between the members of a family in a public place, say a restaurant or a department store. A parent and child bickering maybe - or a teenager is having it out with his dad or mom. Times like that are quite embarrassing for a parent. Most of us would prefer to keep our family problems out of the limelight. Sometimes, though, privacy becomes impossible as a poor relationship escalates.

In scripture we have a case history of a father and son who had as poor a relationship as anyone could imagine. And, after years of unchecked tensions passed, their problem surfaced. When it did it encompassed more than the passing patrons in a restaurant or department store. An entire country openly saw it. The conflict became both public and hideous. The story is of Absalom.

The story of the rebellion of young Absalom contains some prime lessons on how not to meet the challenge of adolescence and how not to instill spiritual values. In this lesson we are going to begin in the third chapter of II Samuel and spend time also in the thirteenth chapter of that same book.

(Turn there with me, please. II Samuel 3)

I. We'll Look First At Absalom's Background.

Absalom is first mentioned here in this chapter. But let me point out that if we are going to understand this young man, we must first understand something of his father. The rebellion of youth, if it is going to show itself, is often there because of background in children's lives. Such is certainly, I believe, the case of Absalom.

The book of II Samuel is a vital link in the chain of Old Testament history. It begins with the announcement to David of the death of Israel's first king, Saul, and describes how David became king over a portion of Israel, the land of Judah. It covers the expansion of David's reign over ALL Israel. It talks about the glory of his kingdom and his military victories. But it also contains some heartache. You'll find David's murder of Uriah and the sin with Bathsheba in those pages. And you'll find much about David's family life, and particularly, for our purposes, an account of the rebellion of his young son, Absalom. Let's begin reading in verse 1.

(Read v. 1)

David did not ascend the throne of Israel in one clean move. He was king over Judah first, while the final resistance from Saul's remaining forces were dealt with. Hebron was where he lived during that time and it was there that his family expanded. 

(Read v. 2,3)

Notice that Absalom was David's third-born.

(Read v. 4,5)

The Bible doesn't gloss over the lives of its heroes. David was a polygamist - a part of his life that is shocking to some. He compromised God's truth of Genesis 2:24. God intended the male-female relationship to be MONOGAMOUS.

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh."

David did not bridle his passions. He had numerous wives. Six are mentioned in this passage. There may have been others. Another passage mentions at least 10 concubines in addition.

Ever wonder where another of David's sons, Solomon, got the idea for 700 wives? Like father, like son. A well-known speaker has said recently, "When a father does not practice Scriptural convictions, his children accept situation ethics and they excuse in excess what their father allowed in moderation."

Bridle your passions or your children will likely exceed your violation of them.

Now, lest you think that God took David's polygamy lightly, note just a few of the problems it created. Absalom had 19 additional brothers who are named in Scripture. And one named sister (there were certainly more). During his formative years growing up in the home of David, Absalom was part of a large, fragmented family characterized by jealousy, suspicion, rivalry, compromise, and hatred. David had too many wives and too many children to care for them adequately. Both his wives and children were forced to compete for his attention. The results were devastating.

Absalom grew up in a home where his father was a distant, removed from the scene, too busy to take the time for one little boy, type parent. But, hey, listen. That doesn't just happen in polygamous homes. Many fathers are the same distant, too busy individuals today in monogamous homes.

Dads (and moms), you cannot instill spiritual values in your children en mass. It has to be done one at a time. Life's lessons cannot be taught in a standardized form. They take individual attention. Proverbs 22:6 says:

"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."

In order to do those kind of instilling of values you need to be there, interacting with your children, so that you can know and understand the way each child needs to be trained. Your training must be tailored to each child. That is why parents cannot expect the church to do all the instilling of values. The church cannot give the individual attention that such training involves, so God does not give the responsibility for instilling spiritual values in children primarily to the church. He gives it to fathers. Ephesians 6:4 says,

"Fathers, ...bring them up in the  discipline and instruction of the Lord."

David could not do that because he was too busy. Many fathers today cannot either because they choose priorities in their lives that keep them too busy away from their families. And the results of their absence usually surface when the children hit adolescence and rebel.

Before we leave this passage in II Samuel 3, notice just one more thing. Notice the mention of Absalom's Grandfather. His mother's father was "Talmai, king of Geshur." File that away in your mind. We will come back to it later. It is significant.

Let's go one, now, to

II. Absalom's growing bitterness.

It is significant that there is no more mention of Absalom until chapter 13 of II Samuel. Twenty years passed in that interval described in those chapters. Please turn there with me to chapter 13.

As we enter chapter 13, Absalom is now in his 20's. The bickering and rivalry that must have taken place among the competing wives and children in the home of David is now something he has grown up with. His father is a man off in his own life - busy with the affairs of state - too busy to have time for the needs of a little boy growing up and now a young man who is grown.

But that isn't the whole picture. At some point during that 20 years, Bathsheba came into the family. As I figure it, Absalom must have been a teenager at the time - not a little boy any longer - certainly old enough to understand what was going on. Any respect he might have fought to maintain for his father must have plummeted at that time. Imagine living in a home where the only father you had was an image of the greatest man in all Israel, and then watching even that fall apart as all the eyes of the kingdom were focused on your family and what would happen in the wake of the scandal with Bathsheba. What had been perhaps doubt in his father before must have turned to disillusionment during those years that are typically rough for a teenager, anyway.

Yes, God would forgive David for the sin with Bathsheba, but that did not erase the scars of disillusionment that were in the young man, Absalom. To him his father was a man who did not practice what he preached - an example not worth following - so he didn't.

Parents, if we would instill proper spiritual values in our children, then we must be people who practice in the home what we preach in the home and out of it. Before we can properly discipline our children, we need to discipline ourselves. Before we can expect to see moral purity reflected in our children, the desire and at least the striving for it need to be in us. There is no Scriptural formula in existence than can counteract hypocrisy. And if the truth were known, it is just this point that causes a great amount of adolescent rebellion.

Is it any wonder that as we hit chapter 13 of II Samuel, we find all the ingredients present for a bitter, rebellious young man? And that bitterness would curdle into hatred with the events of this chapter.

The events had to do with Absalom's full blood sister, Tamar.

(Read v. 1)

Amnon, remember, was the oldest of the family of half brothers. Absalom was the third, and somewhere in between was Tamar. She was beautiful, and Amnon her half-brother, was physically infatuated with her.

(Read v. 2)

Note in passing that Tamar is fully innocent in this incident. She was not responding to him, just as would be proper for a young lady of character. (Young ladies, are you listening?)

Amnon, on the other hand, "made himself ill" with the feelings he allowed to grow in him toward his half sister. Notice that the Bible places the blame for his condition squarely on his shoulders.

Parents, teach your children that they are responsible for their actions. We are taught by our culture that people are the hopeless pawns of their emotions. If they "fall in love" for instance, there is nothing they can do. But the Bible placed responsibility squarely on Amnon for this. He "made himself ill."

(Read v. 3)

Amnon had a friend... Isn't it true that it is often the friends our children pick who drag them down? We're going to see it here, too. The passage goes on to tell that Jonadab was a bad friend for Amnon to run around with. 

Parents, and especially Dads, do you know who your children are hanging around with? You should! Even if they don't like you snooping around to find out, you should. Evil companions still corrupt good morals.

Twice in my own life, in the course of raising my four adolescent children, I have had to step in and terminate relationships that my kids had started with friends who were pulling them down. And my kids didn't like it at the time. I had to risk their wrath. But later, when the effects had worn off, both of them thanked me for it and admitted that they were being pulled down. Do you love your children enough to risk their wrath and step in to end a relationship that is hurting them? Are you letting fear of their displeasure keep you from doing it? Don't!

I'm convinced that sometimes children choose the wrong friends out of poor judgement. They just fall in with the wrong crowd because they haven't yet learned how to be their own person.

But sometimes, they do it on purpose. What do I mean by that? Well, consider the often-repeated situation where both parents are away from home most of the time pursuing their own careers. There is very little time to spend developing relationships with their children during critical times when children need their parents most. When parents are off pursuing their own lives, what messages are being sent to their children? While parents might not in their wildest dreams intend it, one of the messages that they can receive is "You really don't care about me. The things you are pursuing are more important." And then ultimately, "You don't really love me."

Listen to a portion of the case history of one young man who had concluded this and see if you don't get my point.

(Read marked section from Ross Campbell's book, "How To Really Love Your Child.")

"They never were before..." Was that true? No! This boy's parents did love him and cared for him very much! But why didn't he know it? One reason is evident. Their actions somehow were shorting out the message of the love they had for him. I believe we will see that illustrated in the life of Absalom in these pages of II Samuel. Watch for it. 

Well, regardless of the reason, Amnon took the wrong advice. He got it from Jonadab who presented a perverted plan. He told Amnon to feign sickness and when the news reached the ears of David, request that Tamar be sent to take care of him. And David, completely out of touch with the lives of his children, played right into his hands. He ordered Tamar to go and take care of her half brother. And while she was in the room with him, after the servants were sent out, Amnon got what he wanted.

(Read v. 11-15)

So Amnon sent Tamar away - and she went straight to her closest relative, Absalom. Why didn't she go to her father? Perhaps it was because she figured he was too busy or wouldn't care.

(Read v. 20)

Now, on the outside, Absalom is comforting his sister. But inside, the caldron of bitterness is scalding hot! Both toward Amnon and, I cannot help but believe, toward his father for being so blind to what was happening that he had sent Tamar in there in the first place. In order to understand what happened next, you need to understand that the Law of Moses expressly forbade the crime that had just taken place. In Leviticus 18, we learn that in a case like this, the offender was to be "cut off" in the sight of the people. Literally, in Hebrew, he was to be "vomited out." But look at David's response when he got word about what had happened.

(Read v. 21)

This verse holds the beginning and the end of all that David did. He got mad. (But how could he do anything else? Had he not been guilty of a similar crime with Bathsheba? When a father is not consistent himself, he will be hamstrung when it comes to correcting his children.)

David got angry, but apparently he did nothing to correct Amnon. But Absalom, waiting in the wings to see David's response, no doubt, didn't take it so lightly. I run out of words to describe the emotion that is contained in this next verse.

(Read v. 22)

Now, what makes up the motivation of this young man, Absalom at this stage in his life? Sum it up:

- Grief for his sister, Tamar.

- Hatred for his half brother, Amnon.

- Bitterness toward his father for doing nothing and for sending Tamar to Amnon in the first place.

Couple that with doubts about his father's love anyway and you have all the seeds necessary for rebellion. Quiet on the outside, churning on the inside, Absalom vowed to get revenge, no matter how long it took.

(Read v. 23-25a)

I can't help but feel that Absalom knew that David would sat that. Hadn't he said it so many times before? Dads, after a lifetime of being put off, pretty soon our kids get the message. And they give up on us. John, in the case history I read a few minutes ago had done just that. I believe the same was true of Absalom.

(Read v. 25b)

Those words, "but blessed him" meant more in the customs of royalty of that day than just, "He gave his blessing." They also could convey the idea of bestowing a rich gift. David was a man of means, the product of his hard driving life. But he was also a guilty father for the family life it had cost him. So, he may have done what so many fathers do today - he substituted things for time. He tried to sooth over his absence with money. 

Money is an empty gift when it is given to take the place of a relationship. How long would our relationships last with our wives, men, if each tie they reached out to us, we handed them a twenty-dollar bill and pulled away? I believe we would hear some words from our wives, and rightly so. The only difference between doing that to our kids instead of our wives is that often the kids are not mature enough to figure out consciously what is happening, so they don't tell us. But the hurt goes deep, nonetheless.

(Read v. 26, 27)

Did you catch just a hint of hesitation there in David's response? He was no slouch when it came to understanding people. But with Absalom's urging, he cast suspicion out and gave in to Absalom's request. After all, two years had passed. David underestimated the longevity of bitterness! Had he been closer to Absalom, he probably would have seen it.

(Read v. 28-29)

They murdered Amnon! And then they all got on their mules and fled, leaving him there in a pool of his own blood. The sons returned home. After a bit of miscommunication, David got word of the tragedy. And Absalom left the country.

(Read v. 37a)

Who was Talmai? Remember back in Chapter 3 I told you to file away the name " Talmai" in your mind? Talmai was Absalom's mother's father - his Grandfather! Do you doubt that this boy wanted a father figure? He spent the next three years with his grandparents.

And now we begin to see a little regret surface in David over what had been happening in Absalom's life.

(Read v. 39)

Like so many fathers today, David woke up late in the game. Was it too late? Who can say for sure? My opinion is, no. I will show you why I believe that in the next lesson.

Did David love Absalom? I believe he did. This statement here, and one he made after Absalom's untimely death which we will look at in the next session, tell me that he dearly loved Absalom. But did Absalom know it? I believe that the answer to that would have to be negative. Why? David's actions were drowning out his words.

 Conclusion

Dad's, if you still have children in your home, this message may be God's wake-up call for you. Are you listening?

Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.

Copyright © 1996-2008 by The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.

All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.

[Archive]    [Home]   [Comments]   [Search]

hits since 4/15/98