These words mean more than that we just teach our children about the things of the Lord. They go beyond teaching them all the right things, though that is important. They address the manner in which we go about our teaching and discipline. We need to apply the same manner of discipline and instruction to our children that the Lord does to His.

I generally try not to begin a sermon on a negative note but the following story illustrates the meaning of my text this morning so well that I’ve decided to make an exception. I don’t know the author of this piece. If I did I would send him a sympathy card.

"I was just twelve when my Boy Scout troop planned a father-son campout. I was thrilled and could hardly wait to rush home and give my father all the information. I wanted so much to show him all I’d learned in scouting, and I was so proud when he said he’d go with me.

"The Friday of the campout finally came, and I had all my gear out on the porch, ready to stuff it in his car the moment he arrived. We were to meet at the local school at 5 p.m. to car pool to the campground.

"But Dad didn’t get home from work until 7 p.m. I was frantic, but he explained how things had gone wrong at work and told me not to worry. We could still get up first thing in the morning and join the others. After all, we had a map. I was disappointed, of course, but decided to just make the best of it.

"First thing in the morning, I was up and had everything in his car while it was still getting light, all ready for us to catch up with my friends and their fathers at the campground. He had said we’d leave around 7 a.m., and I was ready a half-hour before that. But he never came out of his room until 9 a.m.

"When he saw me standing out front with the camping gear, he finally explained that he had a bad back and couldn’t sleep on the ground. He hoped I’d understand and that I’d be a ‘big boy’ about it … but could I please get my things out of his car, because he had several commitments he had to keep.

"Just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done was to go to the car and take out my sleeping bag, cooking stove, pup tent, and supplies. And then, while I was putting my stuff away in the storage shed and he thought I couldn’t see, I watched my father carry his golf clubs out and throw them in his trunk and drive away to keep his ‘commitment.’

"That’s when I realized my dad never meant to go with me to the campout. I didn’t matter to him, but his golfing buddies did."(1)

I don’t know about you but that sad story nearly takes my breath away.

This morning I want to spend some time exhorting the fathers among us with two Bible texts that were written about the very thing this story brings up.

The first passage is Colossians 3:21. It says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart."

The second passage is very similar in meaning. It is found in Ephesians 6:4: "And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

The Apostle Paul is the author of each of these scripture portions. Both are found amid instructions for the various relationships that Christians have. Let’s begin by asking,

1. Why only fathers?

Shouldn’t these passages be addressed to both fathers and mothers? Why did Paul mention only fathers?

As strange as it may seem to us today, in Paul’s day, especially among non-Christian and non-Jewish households (families not influenced by the Holy Scriptures) love of a father for his children was not valued and was not all that common. Under the Roman law of patria potestas,(2) a father had power of life and death over his children, grandchildren, and any slaves. He could throw his children out into the street, sell them as slaves, beat them, or even kill them with no fear of repercussion from the government. There were no child protective services. The courts did nothing about what we today would call "child abuse." When a child was born it was placed at its father’s feet. If the man picked the newborn baby up, it would be accepted into the household and kept. If he turned and walked away, it was disposed of in much the same way as aborted children are today.

This heartless custom can be seen in an actual letter written in the first century B.C. by a man to his wife. It reads, "Heartiest greetings. Note that we are still even now in Alexandria. Do not worry if when all others return I remain in Alexandria. I beg and beseech you to take care of the little child, and as soon as we receive wages I will send them to you. If - good luck to you - you have another child, if it is a boy, let it live; if it is a girl, expose it."(3) Note how casually that father suggested to his wife to get rid of the child. Presumably, "expose it," meant that the child would be set outside and abandoned until it was dead.

In each of the two passages we’re considering, Paul had just given instructions for children to obey their parents. For a father influenced by the law of patria potestas in the Roman culture, this might seem like a green light to the attitude fostered by this heartless law. Thus, it may have been necessary for Paul to balance the obedience command with these instructions to fathers that we are reading in our texts.

Having given this explanation of why it might be that Paul addressed only fathers, I point out again that mother’s, too, are capable of exasperating their children, so I hope you moms won’t tune these things out.

So what, exactly, are we talking about when we speak of provoking to anger or exasperation?

2. What does "exasperate" mean?

The American Heritage Dictionary gives this definition of the English word: "To make very angry or impatient; to annoy greatly."

The Greek word has to do with provoking to a kind of deep seated or prolonged anger. This isn’t to say that we should never make our children angry. There are times when that is unavoidable – but it soon passes, especially in a where things are dealt with properly as they come up. The idea of exasperation goes beyond occasional anger. It is provocation to a constant, seething, smoldering anger. The NIV says, "Do not embitter your children." Bitterness is anger over an extended period of time. It is anger gone sour. It is anger without resolution.

The result of such exasperation in children is mentioned in the Colossians 3:21 passage: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart."

Children who are exasperated eventually just give up trying to please their parents. Their spirit is broken. They lose heart.

Imagine being locked in a cell with no lights. You cannot see anything except a tiny bit of illumination that streams in once a day when a small door opens and a hand slides a dish of food in to you. There is no explanation as to why you are there or why you are being treated like this. As you take a bit of the food, an electric shock hits you. At first you are angry and annoyed. Next, you refuse to eat. But then your hunger gets the better of you and you eat despite the shock. Then you determine that you will try to get some attention from the person behind the hand that slides your food in. You speak again and again, each time the hand appears, but there is no answer. Next you decide you will grab that hand the next time it comes in, but as you reach for it, another electric shock hits you even stronger than the one associated with the food. This goes on for days or weeks. You scream for someone to help you but no one comes. You reach for the hand but are rebuffed. You try everything you can but accomplish nothing. Finally, exhausted and out of options, you just give up, curl up in the corner of your cell and refuse to eat. Or maybe you lash out at anything you can. You pound at the walls with your bare fists. Or maybe you try to kill yourself. The point is you finally conclude that you cannot win. Nothing helps. There is no explanation. There is no escape. There is no hope. You give up. That’s exasperation. I’m not suggesting that parents would lock their children in a dark room. I’m simply pointing out that this final, no hope attitude is the same thing as we’re talking about – exasperation.

3. How do parents exasperate their children?

A closer look at the remedy Paul prescribes will suggest some answers. In Ephesians 6:4, the Apostle says that rather than provoke them to anger, we are to "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

These words mean more than that we just teach our children about the things of the Lord. They go beyond teaching them all the right things, though that is important. They address the manner in which we go about our teaching and discipline. We need to apply the same manner of discipline and instruction to our children that the Lord does to His. The New Living Translation puts it this way: "bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord." Looking at the issue this way gives rise to a helpful study of how God deals with us.

Hebrews 12:7 says, "God deals with you as with sons…." Any discipline or instruction that we do with our children that does not follow after the pattern of the Lord’s own discipline and instruction of us provides the potential of exasperating our children. The discipline and instruction of the Lord is our model – our guide.

Obviously I don’t have time for an extensive study of how God has dealt with us in a single sermon, so I will instead offer you the conclusions of my own study. Based on my own study, here some things that exasperate children.

A. Children become exasperated when parents don’t provide discipline.

According to Hebrews 12:6, God disciplines His children because He cares for them and has their best interest at heart. In fact, the Hebrew writer holds out God’s discipline as proof that God loves us.

Contrary to the prevailing views around us today, discipline is a vital part of raising children. Proverbs 19:18 says, "Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death."

Children who are fairly and consistently disciplined grow up secure in their parents’ love. Likewise, those who are left to run wild often believe their parents don’t really love them or care about them.

No, when we speak of discipline, we’re not talking about abuse. God never abuses us. We’re talking about fair, reasonable, consistent, loving, and sometimes unpleasant correction. Such discipline, when done right, prevents exasperation.

God has always provided instruction as to how and what they are to do. The Bible is His instruction book. Our children, too, need to be taught how to do the things we expect them to do. Is it right to get exercised about a child not cleaning his room if a parent has never taken the time to teach him how to do it? "What is there to cleaning a room?" you ask. Well, apparently there is quite a lot. Professional organizers get paid big bucks to teach such skills to adults. And I know adults who still cannot adequately clean a house or keep their stuff organized. To pile expectations on a child with little or no instruction can be a source of exasperation.

God’s discipline is always fair. Likewise, for our children, the punishment needs to fit the crime. All of us seem to be born with an innate sense of justice. We know when we have done wrong and we know when we deserve to be punished. If that punishment is meted out fairly, we accept it. If it is excessive, we often respond in anger. Of course, a small child cannot show such anger in the presence of a harsh parent without getting his head knocked off (speaking figuratively, of course) so he internalizes it where it smolders and turns to bitterness. Though this anger may not be seen in the short run, it will usually come out later in rebellion, when the child is finally old enough (the teen years) to make the lives of his parents miserable.

God is patient with us, not wishing for any to perish. Likewise, we need to be patient with our children.

It always takes longer to teach a child to sweep the floor than it does to simply sweep it yourself, doesn’t it? If in the midst of a child’s dawdling on a project, you work yourself into a lather and take the project back to do it yourself, what have you taught him? Surely you have not taught him how to do the project. You may also have taught him that if he dawdles long enough, he’ll get out of doing it. Do this enough and you may exasperated him. How many times have you messed up something that you should have figured out by now and asked God, yet again, to forgive you? Is He patient with you? Yes, He is.

God is always consistent in His discipline. In disciplining our children, if one time something is treated like a capital crime and the next time the very same issue is overlooked or treated lightly, our children get confused. Parents usually fall into this trap because they discipline according to their mood swings. If they’re in a good mood, they are lenient. If they’re in a bad mood, they breathe fire and bring down wrath. The child never knows what to expect. Exasperation can be the result. He finally gives up trying to figure it out and rather learns to manipulate his parents.

Over and over the Bible says that God is long-suffering and patient with us. The greatest prerequisite to balanced discipline of children is parental self-discipline. Children can tell when parents are disciplining them in love and when they are just taking out their anger or frustration on them. Some of the best advice I’ve ever heard about raising children came to me years ago when our own children were young. It came from a preacher/counselor with kind of a funny name: Holis Whitrock. He said, "Never, never, never discipline your children in anger." James 1:20 says, "The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." As parents we should first get our emotions under control, even if it means putting discipline off for a short time. Take time out. Cool down to the level where you can be fair. Offer an explanation once your children are old enough to understand.

Love should never be a reward for good behavior. Love needs to be a constant. You love your child when he or she does well and you love him when he or she does wrong. This is critical.

Romans 5:8 says, "God demonstrates His… love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." God loved us even when we were doing wrong! If God had waited around for us to get our act together before loving us, would any of us be saved today? Not a one! We teach our children, "Jesus loves me when I’m good, when I do the things I should. Jesus loves me when I’m bad, though it makes Him very sad." Love is never a reward for good behavior.

When children are small, and a proper spanking is administered, it is important for a parent, as soon as the crying is over, to call the child over, set him on your lap, explain again what he did wrong, then reassure him that you love him with hugs and kisses and that your love will never go away.

Later, when a child is older, perhaps beyond the years of spanking, you still need to tell him or her often of your love – even if, for awhile, he or she seems embarrassed by your expression. It is even appropriate to explain that you discipline him or her for this very reason – that you love him.

God’s discipline is never hypocritical. Neither should ours be. "Do as I say, not as I do," never worked with any of us. What makes us think it will work with our children? If children are told they should never lie, but hear mom lie to her husband’s boss on the phone by saying he isn’t home when he really is, they’ll become confused and disillusioned. If they are punished for being disrespectful to others but see their parents berating each other or speaking evil of the next door neighbor or their employer, they’ll spot the hypocrisy and it will lead to confusion exasperation.

Certainly God protects us at times, but He also lets us make our own mistakes, doesn’t He?

We live in times when it is quite reasonable to be fearful for our children. We want to protect them and spare them from harm. But a parent can go too far in this area. Yes, we must say "no" to certain things due to risk involved. But we also need to allow children to make some choices (and mistakes) of their own as they grow up.

If God disciplined me every time I embarrassed Him, I’m afraid I’d probably be dead!

It is quite easy to become angry when children act up in public or otherwise do things that cause parents to be embarrassed in front of their friends and associates. At such times discipline may become motivated by that embarrassment rather than by what is fair and right.

I’ve been a minister since my children were very young. Over the years they were known to act up sometimes - as all children do. Such an incident can be quite embarrassing, especially if you let others effect your judgment. The temptation can be to administer discipline according to the expectation of others rather than according to what is fair with my own children. If we "take ‘em out and give ‘em a licking" just to be seen by others and it isn’t something we would normally do, we do our children a great disservice and may cause them to become exasperated.

God disciplines us for our good. But sometimes parents push their children to fulfill their own dreams. Fathers may want to relive their "glory days" through their children or find "glory days" they never had. Parents sometimes push their children in areas of competition to the place where they are completely exasperated and end up hating not only the activity, but also their parents who forced them. If you want to see that in real life sometime, attend a Little League game and listen to what the parents are screaming at their children. The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go," not the way you want him to go or the way you always wished that you had gone. Parents who try to live their own lives vicariously through their children run a huge risk of exasperating them and may cause them to give up or rebel.

L. Children become exasperated when discipline is all criticism without encouragement.

God gives plenty of encouragement to His children in the Scriptures. We need to encourage our children as well.

I took a class one time where the instructor took out a sheet of white paper and placed a black ink dot right in the middle of it. He did this in front of the class. Then he asked all of us what we saw. Nearly every person there said they saw a black ink dot. Only one or two said they saw a white sheet of paper with a small black ink dot in the center.

We are naturally drawn to the negative. The "D" on the report card gets much more attention than the various "A’s" and "B’s." No, we shouldn’t ignore the "D’s" but we certainly need to acknowledge the "A’s" and "B’s." Maybe if the discipline for a "D" or an "F" is to be grounded for two weeks, perhaps an "A" or a "B" on the same report card deserves some special treatment for a couple of weeks. When accomplishment is taken for granted or ignored and failure is harped on, a child will be exasperated.

I began this sermon on a very negative note – the story of the father who promised his boy the camping trip but ended up brushing him off in order to go golfing with his friends. The exasperated boy said he learned from that incident that his dad cared more for his friends more than he did for his own son. I want to end this message with a positive story of a father who succeeded in showing his son that he did love him. The author of this story is a man named Arthur Bowler:

"I watched intently as my little brother was caught in the act. He sat in the corner of the living room, a pen in one hand and my father's hymnbook in the other. As my father walked into the room, my brother cowered slightly; he sensed that he had done something wrong. From a distance, I saw that he had opened my father's brand-new book and scribbled across the length and breadth of the entire first page with a pen. Now, staring at my father fearfully, he and I both waited for his punishment.

"My father picked up his prized hymnal, looked at it carefully, and then sat down without saying a word. Books were precious to him; he was a minister and the holder of several degrees. For him, books were knowledge, and yet, he loved his children. What he did in the next few minutes was remarkable. Instead of punishing my brother, instead of scolding or yelling or reprimanding, he sat down, took the pen from my brother's hand and then wrote in the book himself, along-side the scribbles John had made: ‘John's word 1959, age two. How many times have I looked into your beautiful face and into your warm, alert eyes looking up at me and thanked God for the one who has now scribbled in my new hymnal? You have made the book sacred, as have your brothers and sister to so much of my life.’ Wow, I thought. This is punishment?

"From time to time I take a book down - not just a cheesy paperback but a real book that I know I will have for many years to come – and I give it to one of my children to scribble or write their names in. And as I look at their artwork, I think about my father, and how he taught me about what really matters in life: people, not objects; tolerance, not judgment; love which is at the very heart of a family. I think about these things, and I smile. And I whisper, ‘Thank you, Dad.’"

Footnotes: Use your "back" button to return to your place.

1. Men’s Ministry Leadership Seminar, p. 18, as quoted at www.bible.org, in the illustration section of the website under "Fathers."
2. http://www.ku.edu/history/index/europe/ancient_rome/E/Roman/Texts/secondary/SMIGRA*/Patria_Potestas.html
3. Papyri Oxyrhynchus 4.744, as quoted in comments on Ephesians 6:4 from The MacArthur New Testament Commentary, (c) Moody Press and John MacArthur, Jr., 1983-2002.

Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.

Copyright © 1996-2008 by The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.

All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.

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