Nothing is said in the Bible specifically about dating. The culture in which the Scripture was written knew nothing of it as we do today. In that day, a couple saw very little of each other until they were actually husband and wife. So, unless we would wish to go back to parent-arranged marriages, we are left to deduce and apply general principles rather than specific ones in order to get our guidelines. But that's OK. That is precisely what makes the Bible the piece of timeless instruction that it is.

A contemporary singer named Kenny Marks recorded a song a few years ago called, "The Party's Over." I want to read the words to you. Listen as it describes an all too common situation. If you’re single and looking for a mate, listen even more closely.

THE PARTY'S OVER
By Kenny Marks

Jeannie got up early while Johnny stayed in bed
She couldn't sleep last night from something that he said
Johnny said he's leaving said he's never coming back again

It was back at Franklin High School where he first laid eyes on her
A sassy little senior, Jeannie gave his heart a stir
Johnny wanted Jeannie more that any girl he'd ever had before

It was just another party where they made their rendezvous
"Hey Jeannie", Johnny said, "I've never met a girl like you
When this party's over do you think that I could drive you home?"

Jeannie had her question when the romance ever started
But Johnny had the looks that shot an arrow through her heart
Before the night was over, Jeannie went and gave it all away

CHORUS
The party's over
It was fun while it lasted, but it ain't no fun no more
The party's over
And now they wonder what they hurried for

Jeannie called up Johnny, she said, "Hey, I've got bad news"
Johnny said, "Don't worry babe, I'll take care of you"
They had a wedding party for their family and a few close friends

He used to say I love you till their marriage fell apart
But now he says, "Hey, Jeannie baby, give me back my heart"
Jeannie's holding Junior and she says "Johnny, thanks a lot"

Now Johnny's got his freedom and Jeannie's got the kid
And Jeannie's always dreaming 'bout the things she never did
Ain’t it funny how infatuation fooled them into playing house?(1)

No, it isn't funny at all.

Does this sort of thing happen because young people don't know? Yes, sometimes. Is it because their eyes glass over when this subject comes up in church? Yes, sometimes. Is it because they lose sight of the big picture and live for a little while for the moment? Yes, that, too, sometimes.

On the assumption that you as a Christian young person are willing to listen if the opportunity is available, I’m calling this sermon, "The Party Doesn’t Have to Be Over." I’ve written it with the hope that it just might spare some of the pain that not paying attention can bring. While much more could be said, for this morning I have two "Don’ts" and one "Do" for you. These will spare you a world of hurt if you’ll take them to heart.

While there isn't any universally accepted rule book on dating and courtship anywhere that I'm aware of, the process of finding a husband or wife in western countries generally consists of four "steps." The first step is casual or random dating. This is usually followed by the second step, steady dating. Engagement is the third step, and, if all goes well, and sometimes, even if it doesn't, the final step is marriage. In the course of this message, when I refer to "courtship," I will be referring to some reasonable facsimile of this western version of courtship.

Nothing is said in the Bible specifically about dating. The culture in which the Scripture was written knew nothing of it as we do today. In that day, a couple saw very little of each other until they were actually husband and wife. So, unless we would wish to go back to parent-arranged marriages, we are left to deduce and apply general principles rather than specific ones in order to get our guidelines. But that's OK. That is precisely what makes the Bible the piece of timeless instruction that it is.

When it comes to applying general Scriptural principles to life, there may be some variance in our understanding as well as our situations and backgrounds. So, consider what I have to say with that in mind. The prime objective of any courtship of Christian people ought to be to carry it out in a way that is always, in every way, pleasing to God. If that is not the objective of a courting couple, then no set of guidelines that I or anyone else might suggest is going to make any difference anyway. So, my underlying assumption is that if you are a true Christian who is or will be courting, you want, above all else, to be pleasing to God. If that is not the case, my suggestion to you is that you need to decide just who is going to be the master of your life – you or God.

Primary to any discussion of Christian courtship is the question, "Whom should I court?" On this subject, the Bible speaks clearly without hesitation. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says,

Certain things are not very compatible and a believer and an unbeliever are two of the least compatible. While this passage is not restricted in application to just marriage, it is most often applied to dating and marriage, and, I believe, rightly so. The KJV is even more descriptive in its rendering of this passage as, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers."

Paul may have had in mind the Old Testament prohibition of Deuteronomy 22:10 which says,

The reason for that should be obvious. The two animals are very different. They move at different speeds. They have vastly different temperaments (and tempers!). They don't even stand at the same height. To yoke them together would lock them into a test of strength and will. Eventually either strength or stubbornness would win. One would simply give up and be dragged along. Little actual productive work would get done.

That is the picture Paul uses to forbid "unequal yoking" of Christians and non-Christians. Certainly, this would apply to marriage between believers and unbelievers. But what about dating?

Remember that we don’t have a Biblical example of western dating, so we need to use our heads here.

If God has forbidden Christians to marry outside the Lord, why ask for trouble by dating a non-Christian? What is the purpose of dating, anyway? I realize that some unbelievers date just to find someone to go to bed with, but certainly this is not the motive of a true Christian. All of us know that somewhere down at the end of the dating process, marriage waits as a distinct possibility.

Very few harmonious marriages result from setting God’s commandments aside. Often such disobedience leads to marital misery – or the believer finds continued allegiance to God too difficult and, in the end, deserts the Lord. So, should Christians date non-Christians? I don’t think so.

This matter of not dating unbelievers makes sound sense to most Christians until they’ve just fixed their eyes on some sweet young thing or some dream boat has just asked them out and it is the first time in 14 months that anyone has even noticed them. The heart is drumming along at 110 beats a minute and suddenly things don't look so cut and dried anymore. All kinds of objections begin to come to mind.

One of the most common of such objections is this: "But there are no eligible Christian men (or women) in our congregation that I’m interested in. I have to date unbelievers or not date at all."

What does the Bible have to say about such reasoning?

Consider Daniel. This isn’t a reference to dating, but it is one that addresses commitment. He's just arrived in town from the sacked city of Jerusalem. As a captive, he’s herded into the king's court and exclaims without batting an eye, "But there is not Hebrew food around here! I have to eat the king's choice food!" Is that the way it happened?(2)

Or here's Moses. His back is up against the Red Sea. Pharaoh is advancing. It looks like he and the Israelites are going to be killed. "But there's no bridge around here. We have to go back to Egypt!" Is that how it happened?

Or here is Abraham. He's just arrived at Mt. Moriah and he has split the wood for the fire that God has commanded for the offering of his only son. "Nope. God hasn't provided a substitute sacrifice yet. Guess we'd better head back home, Isaac." It didn't happen that way, did it?

Does difficulty excuse us from the will of God?

Can't find anyone who is eligible among God's people where you live? Holy men and women of old sometimes traveled to find perspective marriage partners among God's people. Why don't you?

Parents, are we helping them in this or hindering them? What is wrong with the church or parents providing opportunities for Christian singles to mix and meet? What is wrong with parents taking a more active role? Parents took a far more active role in the Bible than we take today. No, I'm not in any way suggesting arranged marriages. I'm simply saying that we could do more to provide opportunities for godly young people to meet.

So what about this issue of dating unbelievers? Is it right? Certainly it's risky. Proverbs 6:27 says, "Can a man take fire into his bosom and his clothes not be burned?"

Indeed, can a Christian take the risk of dating a non-Christian?

But another objection is this one: "But I intend to win my date to Christ!"

That's a great motive. You should be commended for wanting to bring others to Christ. But let me ask you a question. How many people have you won to Christ so far in your life? None you say? Tell me, if you've never been successful in winning someone to Jesus in the simple everyday relationships, how do you propose to do it with all the complicating factors of infatuation of not one, but two red blooded, anxious-to-find-a-mate single people? And even if you can maintain your own sense of right and wrong amidst the spinning emotions, what about Dreamboat or Babycakes? You have some good reasons to keep your rudder in the water. You're a Christian. But what about him (or her)? Many unbelievers operate with a very specific set of values in this area: "Tell 'em what they want to hear!"

I will grant you that someone is likely to be won in that situation - but it isn't likely to be the unbeliever. I have sought to lead unbelievers to the Lord over and over who were brought to me by the Christians who were dating them. I've even baptized a few. But it’s a very few who are faithful to Christ today.

And that brings up another quick point. It is also possible to be "unequally yoked" to a believer. No, I haven’t lost my mind. I'm referring to someone who isn't serious about his or her faith when you are. It is possible to profess Christ yet not possess Him. In very simple language, not everyone who says to Jesus, "Lord, Lord," will enter the Kingdom of heaven.(3) You'd better look very closely over a reasonable period of time before decide to marry or you’ll have a lifetime to regret your decision.

"But I know a Christian who dated and even married outside the Lord and they are happy!"

Forgive me for saying so but I don’t see how that could possibly be true. How can a true Christian be happy to be disobedient? No. If that's the case, something's wrong. Willful disobedience usually brings a leanness of spirit. Certainly what results will not be the "joy of the Lord."

James Dobson, in his book, Emotions, Can You Trust Them, tells an all-to-typical story that happens among courting couples. Let me quote a portion of it for you to help you see what I'm trying to say.

(Read marked portion beginning with p. 52)

What happened to that couple? Why is that story so common?

The answer is that they, like many others, fell for the very popular myth that marriage can be based solely on romantic love - the combination of sexual attraction, roller coaster emotions, and bigger-than-life expectations.

Many of us who are married probably believed those things at one time, too. It felt so good! Surely it was strong enough to last! But it didn't – at least not with the intensity that it had at first. Now if we wish to maintain it for even short periods of time, we have to work at it. It's the same way with the unmarried couples that omit walking down the isle. It's just that when things begin to slow down with them, they change partners. But God isn't in that. Monogamy is His rule.

Human emotions are volatile. They go up and down. They swing back and forth. You cannot live on the mountaintop high of romantic love year after year. That’s Satan's biggest lie. And our imaginary couple fell for it. So, when it began to diminish and reality came to roost, they found they had built nothing else to sustain them and it all fell apart.

The Bible does not pretend that marriage can be based solely on romantic love. It uses a much stronger concept when it talks of marital love.(5) It uses the word "Agape." "Agape" was apparently coined during the first century of Christianity. It was such a new concept that neither the Greeks nor the Romans had a word for it. The Christians invented the word but God invented the concept. "Agape" describes a kind of love that will endure when things are up or down. It has far more to do with commitment than with emotions, though emotions are not ruled out. It’s just that emotions are secondary.

A young couple in their early twenties gets married, expecting a lifetime of happiness together. Two years later she is stricken with a crippling disease and confined to a wheelchair. The medical prognosis is only that things will get worse. Where is he? He’s right there beside her, pushing her wheelchair and bringing her meals if he has true love (agape) for her. And he will continue to be faithful to her and the vows he made.

Yet where would our young romantic lover be under those circumstances? Gone, of course. And he would probably have the support of his friends in leaving her, too. That's because romantic love is primarily selfish. It is based on what the other person can do for me. "She makes me feel soooooooooo goooooood!" You see, the focus in that is me. And when she doesn't give me that feeling anymore, love is gone (romantic love, that is.)

But someone says, "What about that man's needs? How is he to find satisfaction for his needs with his wife in a wheelchair? Obviously she can't do anything about it. Isn't he justified in leaving?"

We betray the truth here with questions like that. Romantic love is based on my needs and wants, not the other person's. Hang the fact that she has needs, too! Hang the fact that she is struggling enough with her disease and now he dumps desertion on her head and ultimately, divorce. He has to look out for number one!

Until a couple knows one another long enough to get the romantic aspects in true focus and can begin to consider whether they are willing to make an "agape" commitment, they probably do not have the kind of love that will make marriage last.

Don’t let your emotions outrun your brain. If you do, you will have a lifetime and perhaps eternity to regret it.

The initial attraction between a man and a woman usually has sexual overtones. While there are some exceptions, most of us would probably not say, "It was the way Herman treated his dog that first attracted me to him." God designed us to be just that way. Our Creator intended that we should be physically attracted to some members of the opposite sex.

But this sexual attraction was put in us for a specific purpose. It was intended to be carefully restrained and channeled into marriage alone where it can serve us and bond us together.

Sex outside of marriage has no place in courtship. Fornicators will be judged and will not inherit the kingdom of God, as we read in I Corinthians 6.

Most Christians, if they have developed their Christian walk very much at all are not in grave danger of violating God's law on this score during the casual dating step of courtship. Sleep around, jump-in-bed-on-the-first-date behavior is something that hopefully, we either never did or have put behind us. It is that second stage of steady dating the same person and the third stage of engagement that give the most problems. It is that time that is so necessary in determining if we are really willing to love this person that we're physically attracted to that can wear down our resolve. How can a courting couple keep things cooled off until they get to the honeymoon? Let me give you a couple of suggestions.

No army general would dream of going into battle without some sort of plan and neither should you. Maintaining purity in courtship in today's world can be a real battle. If you wait until the bullets are flying in the fight with lust to draw up your plans, you’ll become a casualty very quickly. This is something you should do before you become attached to someone emotionally. It is also something that should be discussed openly and discreetly with a steady date or fiancé as the opportunity arises. "But how can I bring such a thing up with my steady or my fiancé?" Here is a good rule of thumb: Stop and discuss it at the very first sign that things are getting or look like they are getting too physical.

If this person you are with is reluctant to acknowledge your standards or does not respect them, then that should tell you something about their real motives. If he/she doesn't respect your views now they certainly won't after the vows are taken.

If I could guarantee a way that you could cut the number of times you are tempted by the devil by one half, would you be interested? Here is what you do. Sit down and figure out the things you do, the places you go, and the things you have that make it easy to sin. Then trim those things out of your life. Yes, that will affect where you go and what you do. It will effect the amount of time you spend alone. But it will also shut off a great amount of temptation.

Long periods of unaccountability are what fornication by well meaning people is made out of. Time spent together with no one else around except our steady can seem like just the thing we need and want most when we are courting. Yet, this is the area where the biggest potential for sin resides. We think we stand strong, so we don't take heed, and we fall. If you are in danger of not maintaining your purity right now, then you'd best consider trimming things back a bit. If you're convinced that you're strong, then do yourself a favor and realize that strong people stay that way by setting limits for themselves and honoring them.

In the case of young people still living at home with parents, parents need to set reasonable limits. An account of whereabouts and a reasonable curfew are sound practices. Such things won’t remove temptation, but they will help. It's always harder to go astray when you know you're going to have to give an account.

"You sound like you don't trust us!"

I don't. At least, I don't trust your flesh. I don't trust mine, either. That's why I set limits on what I do and don't do when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Your intentions are probably the finest in the world in this area. I don't question your intentions. But the proverbial road to hell is paved with what? Good intentions! And Satan is still looking for more pavement. Don't underestimate him! Do yourself a favor and don't trust your flesh. Paul told young, unmarried Timothy,

I certainly haven’t written the book on Christian courtship in this sermon. I’ve just put out a few ideas that I hope you carefully consider. I hope you will.

Solomon wrote in Proverbs 3:1-6,

It is my sincerest hope that each of you will learn firsthand the truth of what Solomon wrote.

Footnotes: Use your back button to return to your place

1. http://www.thetabworld.com/Kenny_Marks__The_Partys_Over_guitar_chord_19790/showtab.jsp
2. Daniel chapter 1
3. Matthew 7:20-23
4. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
5. Ephesians 5:25; Colossians 3:19
6. 2 Timothy 2:22

Dave Redick is Minister of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Sweet Home, Oregon and Editor of The Preacher's Study. He may be reached at pstudysupport@comcast.net.

Copyright © 1996-2008 by The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.

All Scripture quotations and references are from the New American Standard Version unless otherwise stated.

[Archive]    [Home]   [Comments]   [Search]